The L Word

I knew from the moment he kissed my hand that I loved him. Yes, true story. I'm not lying. I really felt it. I knew.

Just kidding!

I didn't know. It's hard to tell. I was listening to the radio a couple of weeks ago -- New Jersey 101.5 -- and they were talking about love. They asked listeners, "How can you tell you love someone?" People called in with answers: You know if you can forgive that person for their mistakes; you know when you want to be with them every day, every hour, every minute; you know if you would take a bullet for them.

Ummm, what?! Here I am, 10 months into the best relationship I've ever had in my entire adult life, and wondering, how do I know I love my boyfriend? OK, you caught me, I've never actually said the sinking words, "I love you." Quite frankly, I'm too afraid to say it for a number of reasons: will it change things, is it the right time, what if he doesn't say it back? All concerns any woman in love (and still silent) would have.

I adore (cough, love) Jason, but I don't think I'd take a bullet for him. I don't think I'd take a bullet for anyone -- partly because I don't think any of my loved ones would ever be in the position to get shot at (I mean, what are the odds?) and also because I don't think I'm quick enough (despite my gunslinger ways with the phone) to shield and take a hit. Would I want to be with Jason every day, every hour, every minute? Ummm, as much fun as we have together, I think being with someone (anyone, for that matter) would drive me insane. Heck, if I had a choice, I wouldn't be with me 24/7.

As for the mistakes clause ... Jason hasn't really made any (knock on wood). I could potentially forgive Jason for his flaws, but I actually like those. They're endearing.

So as I mull over the very thought of how can I tell I love thee ... Here's how I know:

* I'm a person who rarely smiles. It's true. I'm a happy person, but smiling is just not my thaaang. Regardless, when Jason smiles at me, I can't help but mirror the gesture.

* I'm a very stubborn girl. I kid you not, if you and I ever fought, I'd win at my sheer refusal to give in. You'd eventually get tired of how stern I am in my ways and surrender because arguing with me is more tiring than running a marathon. Yet, when Jason and I have a tiff (which is rare these days), I reconsider my stance more often than not. Not because I'm wrong and he's right, but because I respect his views and he understands mine.

* I'm spoiled. Oh you have no idea. But now that I think about it, I think Jason has no idea, as well. He thinks I'm easy going and carefree. And to that, I say, bahahahaha. With him, I am accomodating to an appropriate degree, alright. Selfless, in fact.

In conclusion, New Jersey 101.5, I think you know you love someone when he/she brings out the best in you.

How to Get Over a Breakup

This blog has been all fun and games lately. From cracking on mandal-wearing freaks to studying the logistics of pubic hair, we've just been having way too much fun with our dating discussions. We neglect to visit one of the ultimate relationship occurrences: the breakup.

Many of us know this episode all too well. For some, sitting through that Jennifer Aniston/Vince Vaughan flick, albeit a comedy, was more painful to watch than animal torture. Even still, I went to the theater to see that movie with an ex a few months ago. We thought it would be funny to celebrate our friendship atop the traumatic break of our lease. What resulted was a ridiculously awkward two hours in a crowded movie theater as we attempted to hide our tears and downplay regrets.

As a self-proclaimed "relationship girl" (that is, I was always in mega relationships, was never a serial dater until two years ago), I'm as familiar with the breakup routine as I am my collection of blemishes. My high school-to-college sweetheart, a union that spanned practically a third of my life thus far, was made up of a tumultuous series of breakups. We were on and off for years until we were both finally fed up. Upon graduation and the start of a career, I immediately met the next soon-to-be breaker-upper. I jumped into these relationships without a hint of caution. In both cases, you could say I really didn't believe a breakup was even remotely evident. And boy, was I wrong.

While these breakups differed in reason and circumstance, the feeling that came thereafter was always the same -- heart sinks from disappointment.

All of these feelings came back to me this morning at 7:30 a.m. when I received a phone call from a good friend who is now going through a tough breakup. She expressed how difficult it is to get out of bed in the morning. I remember those days -- the morning was the worst. I used to think it was because when you fall asleep you forget about your sorrows, but when you wake up, it's like you realize all over again what had happened. In retrospect, I think the mornings are the worst mainly because you are waking up alone and everything is different.

Breakup Healing Tip 1: Realize that in waking up alone, you're waking up to a better tomorrow. This person may not have valued your worth enough to make things work, or maybe you and your ex just didn't fit well together. At either case, your future is going to fare better because now you'll have the opportunity to find someone who's a better fit for you.

My friend then told me how much she misses her exboyfriend. She says he won't speak to her because he's "had enough." This only hurts her more, as you can imagine.

Breakup Healing Tip 2: Good relationships are those that embody excellent communication. If your significant other says he or she has had enough and wishes to end things, then so be it. If he or she wasn't willing to communicate and work on the problem, then accept your loss. Don't reach out to him or her. This person wants space, let them have it.

It's possible that space is all this person needs and he or she may reach out to you after they've processed their thoughts. Then it will be up to you to figure out whether the relationship is worth another try.

Breakup Healing Tip 3: It's also important to recognize that it's normal to miss someone you were attached to -- doesn't matter how long you were together. You got used to each other, you became fond of one another, you enjoyed each other's company, so of course there will be a missing gap in your life.

Breakup Healing Tip 4: In looking back fondly at what you two had together that was good, also keep in mind that this only means you were a fantastic girlfriend or boyfriend. You two worked well together for as long as you did partly because of some of the contributions you made to the relationship. Don't ever lose sight of the fact that you brought a lot to the table and always give yourself some credit in being a good girlfriend or boyfriend.

Breakup Healing Tip 5: Don't focus on his good qualities. Understand that, yes, he too made some contributions to the relationship and there were things about him that you adored. But discover that the negative aspects of the relationship that eventually led to your downfall outweighed all the not-so-bad things he or she did. The breakup happened for a reason so be aware of that and don't make excuses. It's best to not be ignorant, stay true to your feelings, and understand what really happened.

After telling my friend all of these key points, she asked me, "How did you get through this?" I proceeded to recall the other measures I took in order to heal (besides those mentioned above)...

Breakup Healing Tip 6: The most important thing I can advise someone who is going through a breakup to do is keep yourself busy. My parents sent me "away" (haha, no, not to a psychiatric facility). My mom and dad fronted my airfare to go to the Philippines with friends a week after my breakup. That was probably the best present anyone has ever given me.

Going away -- to another country or even to another city -- really puts things in perspective. While I was away, I saw bad living conditions in Manila, and realized that there are other worst things that can happen to a person than a measly breakup. There are people out there struggling to live, I discovered. And while my current condition (as in, being sad over a failed relationship) felt devastating at the time, I knew it was only temporary.

When I came back to the states, I surrounded myself with good friends who made me laugh. They supported me, cheered me up, and made me see that being single wasn't so scary.

I also buried myself in work. In being with someone for so long, I almost forgot that I had my own life to lead. Once I started to focus on my career, everything fell into place. I became more secure with myself, cultivated a self confidence that had diminished as a result of the breakup, and became more self sufficient than ever. You really have to learn to stand on your own and that's a beautiful thing.

Breakup Healing Tip 7: Until you fully gain that confidence back, please don't beat yourself up over your breakup. So many people just want to get over "it" as soon as possible, and it just doesn't work that way. You have to go through the motions and let time heal all wounds.

You can't give your heart a deadline -- take as long as you need to heal. Waking up the day after will be hard -- yes -- but the next day won't be as tough, and the day after that will be even easier. And before you know it, you'll wake up without even thinking twice about ... wait, what's his/her name again?

YU

The Spotter's Guide to Assholes

Spotting assholes in the dating pool is like a beginner's session of Where's Waldo. Douchebags may not come in red and white stripes, goofy hats, and nerdorrific glasses, but their cheesy attitude, fake charm, and lame lifestyle make them way easier to spot than a tranny in a nightclub.

So why is it that in pinpointing these assholes in broad daylight, I sometimes see girls attached to their biceps? Seriously, arm candy, did your momma not teach you anything?

Lesson 1 -- if he says, "I'm a nice guy," he's probably the total opposite. More often than not, assholes will take preventative measures to hide their inner jerk. For the actual nice guy, the thought of saying this phrase doesn't even cross his mind. The real-life sweetheart merely owns his niceness and doesn't realize the need to justify who he is.

There's more help on the way. These wise women dish on the other asshole clues ...

Thank you, Forbes

Pity the fool who wrote this article:

Don't Marry Career Women

According to Mr. Michael Noer, there are nine reasons to stay away from Mary Tyler Moore types, which he defines as a gal with an “university-level (or higher) education, works more than 35 hours a week outside the home and makes more than $30,000 a year,” thus making me—and most likely you—fall into this dreadful classification. (I feel compelled to note here that after earning my degree, I worked for the paltry salary of $30,000 a year [and once, even less than that], and would hardly have called myself a “career” girl. It was more of a limbo between too “rich” for Section 8 and legalized slave labor.)

So ladies, here it is—nine more reasons why you’re ruining the world for trying to better yourselves, according to Forbes.com and some research studies provided by the likes of the American Journal of Sociology and the Journal of Marriage and Family:

1. You are less likely to get married
2. If you do marry, you are more likely to get a divorce
3. You are more likely to cheat on your man
4. You are much less likely to have kids
5. If you do have kids, you are more likely to be unhappy
6. Your house will be dirtier
7. Your man will be unhappy if you make more than him
8. You’ll be unhappy if you make more than him
9. Your man is more likely to fall ill

Perfect. Now I have scientific research to back up my frequent arguments with my mother about why I don’t want to get married.

UPDATE: Seems Gawker did some research on Mr. Noer and the results aren't surprising, but heinous nonetheless. If this is how obnoxious I have to be to get my name on the masthead of some well-known magazine, let the bile-spewing begin.

JM

Meeting the Merritts

After four months of honeymoon-esque bliss, I decided this past weekend was the perfect time to test the Boy’s threshold for emotional abuse by bringing him home to meet the fam. It was quite the classy affair, as Mom went all out, baking lasagna and her special parsley bread while Dad dug deep into the cellar to share some regifted Canadian dessert wine. The reason behind all this trickery, I believe, was to woo the Boy into sticking around for an extended period of time (if not forever) so Mom and Dad can rest assured that they raised a daughter who is a) capable of sustaining a relationship and maybe one day, marriage and b) not a lesbian.

And yet, despite all their best efforts to appear normal, a few priced gems fell from my parents’ lips, ruining the appearance of a normal family. First, there’s Dad:

“Let the torture begin!”
-- Uttered not two minutes upon introduction and shaking the Boy’s hand.

“That’s back when I could drive drunk and not get in trouble for it.”
-- Ah yes, Dad, the good old days, back when Absinthe was legal and there weren’t so many “coloreds” in TV ads.

And on the other hand, there’s Mom:

“Next time, hire some illegal immigrant woman to clean your house. She gives you any trouble, you just threaten to deport her.”
-- My mother’s sensitive solution to finding a reliable cleaning person, after I rehashed the horrible experience my roommate and I had with our old one.

“Oh, sounds fun! Maybe we could come, too!”
-- My mother’s exact words after the Boy told her of his upcoming family vacation. Though this isn’t that surprising, given her earlier mob-like comment, “You MUST love parsley bread—you’re part of this family now.” Mind you, the Boy and I have been dating a mere four months.

Some class is just hard to match. I expect to be broken up with any day now.

JM

Yipes Stripes!

Boys, take a nice, long look at the above pictures. Study them. Let the images wash over you. Find yourself hypnotized by the stripes, maybe even a little sleepy from the inherent stamina of the popped collar. I’m certainly yawning.

Why? Because on any given night, at any given bar, in any given city, this is the dominant attire among the 20- and 30-something male population. B-to-the-oring people, it’s time to move on from this trend! But I spent thousands amassing my clone-like shirt collection! Frankly, I don’t care that your button-down stripy is Dolce and Gabbana or that your collar comes from Lacoste, because the truth is, your shirt looks no different than the guy sporting Old Navy. So there.

Let’s begin with the stripy. Its problem is that it has become ubiquitous, made even more problematic as all stripy wearers tend to let the shirt go untucked and pair it with Seven jeans, finished off with some shiny black Kenneth Coles. Imagine a girl’s dismay when she tries to single out an attractive boy to a friend on an evening out:

Girl: Oooh, check out that cute guy standing over there at the bar.
Perplexed Friend: Which one?
Girl: The guy in the striped shirt.
Perplexed Friend: [shakes head] I’m sorry, which one?
Girl: Right there! In the vertical stripes.
Perplexed Friend: Uh… [eyes dart around nervously]

Certainly Tommy Hilfiger and his ilk have produced button-down shirts sans stripes this season. Ever ponder plaid? Prints? Paisley? Hell, even a Hawaiian print would make you stand out in a good way. Better yet is a t-shirt, layered if you so wish. I realize there aren’t many options for guys looking to diversify their style, so if you must insist on stripes, may I suggest horizontal ones? I promise they won’t make you look fat, but instead draw attention to your oh-so-broad shoulders.

Now, the popped collar. I’m not the first person to pounce on the arrogance of this trend (To loosely quote a recent Details article: “If it’s that cold on the ferry to Fire Island, buy a windbreaker”), yet it somehow proliferates. You think it makes you look boyish, I think it makes you boorish. A popped collar reeks of trying to be something you’re not—specifically, rich. Upright collars somehow conjure images of yachts, diamonds, loads of money, all of which you surely have none. My beef with this trend lies in the façade: I go home with you thinking you’ll whisk me away to Cabo next weekend, only to find that you still live at home with your mom.

So guys, go forth: relax your collars, pick up a few thermals and t-shirts and save the stripeys for the office and the popped collars for—well, never.

JM

The Online Equation

Myspace.com -- now under the ownership of Ruport Murdoch's News Corporation -- estimated an annual revenue of about $200 million. Romance sites like Match.com and eHarmony.com pooled together $500 million last year alone. What gives? Are people seriously this lazy? Are the days of going out and meeting that special someone (or rather, meeting a ton of unspecial nobodies) the old fashion way -- by chance, randomly, or through a live friend -- gone? Instead, singles are browsing onscreen during their quest for Mr. or Mrs. Right. Say it ain't so! Forget about serendipitous occurrences and age-old stories of "we met at work." You're opting for the convenient point-and-click, instant winks, and getting-to-know-you IMs.

After much thought, a sociologist has since realized, "[This trend] does not make the people who surrender to them happy. You gain something, you lose something else."

So that got me thinking: What are people gaining by looking for love on the Web? Moreover, what are these net daters losing? And once calculated, do they come out positive, negative, or do they just break even?

My friend Michelle, a 26-year-old preschool teacher, is a serial dot-com dater. She joined after a breakup -- a suggestion from a family member gave her the push to brave entering the singles market publicly on the Web. At first, she signed up for a six-month membership in order to help get her mind off things, but her agenda has since shifted: "I want to be married and have kids," she explains.

While I am fully confident Michelle will find true love someday, I have trouble believing she'll find it online within the six months of her membership. While she's gaining time well-spent, free dinners and drinks, even good convos; she might lose valuable hours of her adult life and her optimism.

Just yesterday she went on one of these sort-of blind dates, and the venture only yielded disappointment. "He didn't look like his picture," she says. "He sooo wasn't my type." And this isn't the first of this type of reaction. Just last month, Michelle met up with some guy from Queens. "He wasn't fat in the picture, but he was fat in person," she recalls. On the other hand, one guy in Michelle's online dating past was totally her type. But of course, there was a snag. They went out on a handful of dates before Michelle found out through a friend of a friend that this man has been in the online dating circuit for nearly a decade and rumored to be incredibly promiscuous (and a tad "pushy").

So after careful review, I've calculated that Michelle is actually breaking even. While she is wasting her time and becoming more and more jaded about men (as in, the lack of good specimen out there), she is gaining a couple of things: lots of laughs and great fodder for this blog.

YU

DaterMan to the Rescue

I have a friend who tends to be unlucky in love and constantly asks, “Why not me?” Since I subscribe to the “if you don’t like something, do something about it” hard knocks philosophy of life, it’s safe to assume my response would include, but not be limited to: “try a breath mint,” “don’t be so needy,” “tone down the repeated requests for oral sex” or “simply come to terms with the fact that you are destined to live a life of eternal solitude and start adopting cats pronto.”

But truthfully, when this particular friend posits this question to me, I never know how to respond, because I don’t understand why Friend is consistently turned down by the opposite sex. (I don’t believe he’s adventurous enough to try the same sex.) Not being able to dispense my trademark armchair dating advice frustrates me to no end, so I decided if you can’t find a solution to a problem, make believe. Which led me to ask Friend, and several other friends, if you could harness one superpower when it comes to dating, what would it be?

Superman can leap tall buildings—perfect for quickly escaping bad first dates—and Wonder Woman has her “Lasso of Truth,” which I imagine comes in quite handy for cheating boyfriends, and what did The Dish’s oh-so-creative friends choose as their DaterMan superpower? Thankfully, answers went beyond the obvious ability-to-read-minds answer:

From Jeff, philosophy super-senior: “I’m not exactly certain what the superpower is called, but I would like to have whatever superpower Lyle Lovett was in possession of circa 1993 when he courted and married Julia Roberts. This superpower would of course give me the ability to score totally hot famous chicks at the top of their game who are way out of my league and marry them within a few months. My superhero costume would consist of a black suit with skinny tie, guitar and frizzy hair. I would change into my costume by crawling inside a guitar case and coming back out as SuperLovett. My weapon of choice to fend off any of my female companion’s evil suitors would be to assault them with dreadful singer/songwriter music. They would fall to their knees in agony. However, I would insert microscopic sound filters into the ears of my lady friend so that to her it would sound like the most beautiful music ever. I would name my weapon, ‘The Lovettron.’ Why would I want this superpower as opposed to say, x-ray vision or mind reading? Well, once you’ve established yourself as worthy enough to date/marry a celebrity, you’re probably going to do all right with the general female population.”

Mariel, who you soon won’t be surprised to learn is a lawyer: “I would want the power to make select men (I say ‘select men’ because I want to choose which men) want to call me back or ask me to hang out with them so that I don't have to worry if they are going to call. I also want the power to make men honest—I can handle that a guy doesn't want to date me, but he doesn't have to tell me the reason he's laying low is because his dog ran away. [Ed note: Yes, this actually happened.] In summary, I want the power of manipulation!”

Jeremy, who eagerly awaits his hot Brazilian wife, a la Gisele: “I would have the ability to reverse time. Not to change the past and nothing like in ‘Groundhog Day,’ but to ‘re-live’ the past when we want, because the first few months of dating are always the most fun. So, when you’re older, maybe even with kids, you can show them how you met, what happened, and just take a little stroll down memory lane. It would be great for anniversaries, or when she is mad at me and I can just say ‘Hey, remember this ...We were so in love,’ and use that to help ‘find the love’ again...like in ‘The Notebook,’ you know?”

Steve, perpetually single Staten Island resident: “Super confidence, so no matter if I get rejected or sweated, it wouldn't matter to me. I have super confidence...nothing can bring my morale down!”

Paul, who is forced to promote romance on a daily basis in his PR day job: “Though not considered a superhero by some, Jesus could turn water into wine, and that would make for a cheap date.”

Kelly, who had this idea before that crappy Adam Sandler movie came out: “Pause time in real life, so that you can accomplish everyday tasks and still have time for yourself, your significant other and your family.”

About-to-be-married Nancy: “How about x-ray vision to see if his mom is attached to his hip?”

Nicole, recently married and loving it: “I always, as most women do, have to tell my husband (that’s weird) what to do, what to clean, what errands need to be run, even though it’s quite obvious there are dirty dishes in the sink, his socks are on the living room floor, and we’ve run out of toilette paper. He can look at the same mess as me for a week and still not do anything about it, unless I remind him. So, I would love it if I could get him to actually SEE what's in front of him, so that he knows what to do. I hate being a nag.”

Jenn, proprietor of efficiency: "The ability to predict the future, so I can tell right away if I'm wasting my time."

Ysolt, who with a little coaching, might just be able to acheive her superpower: "Gaydar, as I'm always attracted to gay or almost-gay men. When I peruse MySpace, the guys I'm attracted to—'Orientation: Gay.' It never fails."

JM

Photo: Dynamic Forces

Hair-Down-There or Go Bare?

It has come to my attention that women are uncertain as to how they should shave their "Bermuda Love Triangles" so they can not only please their lovers, but also ensure a steady (OK, constant) flow of hot cunnilingus action.

My senses tell me "shaving norms" equate with what's being done in the porno magazines and movies. In the 1970s, it was not uncommon for women to have what looked like a clogged drain down there, but now it seems to be simply skin or some variation of a landing strip. Women are willing to go to a professional, have that individual apply wax to her genitals, and have said pro rip the hair out all in the name of sex. (I know I don't bother with those pesky waxes unless I know I'm getting some.) Why else would women do this?

Men have also hopped on the band wagon, getting what's called the "Manzillian" wax.

Is it worth it? Is this what we should be doing? Is that what you guys even want? Gone are the days of shaving just the underarms and legs! (Next thing you know, we'll be pumping our own gas in NJ!) Now, women must either bare all to a stranger at some upscale salon or seedy "nail salon," or shave that extra six to ten inches of hair a day. Either way, the word on the street is clear: Fur pie doesn't sell.

What are women to do? We can't spend every night with the Rabbit, and besides, we can't bring it to dinner or introduce it to our co-workers at parties! So, we must conform.

Now, it's not all for sex. I think shaving is nice for hygiene purposes, but I would probably not do it daily if there wasn't the possibility that a man would be ripping my clothes off later. (OK, my life is not THAT exciting, but you know what I mean!)

So guys, I want -- I NEED -- to know the answers to a few questions:

(1) Fur pie, shaved into a geometric shape nevertheless groomed, or just skin?

(2) Is the failure to have your hair-down-there preference a turn-off that would make you not want to go down on a girl?

(3) If your girl didn't groom to your preferences, would you ask her to conform? If you would ask her, how would you do it -- in the heat of passion, over a piece of pie, skiing?

(4) What makes your preference sexy? For example, did you see a lot of shaved women in porno mags so you like that style best? Is it a hygiene issue? Or the opposite, does bare remind you too much of little girls and it creeps you out?

SJG
Dish Contributor

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Thanks, Sarah, for that. We're all thinking it! It's about time someone spoke up.

As far as your Hair-Down-There or Go Bare inquiry, we went straight to the men. We polled 10 guy buds about their pubic preference when it comes to their lovers. Here's what they said ...



And the comments the question yielded ...

With good reason
"It's a lot easier to go down on a girl with less distractions."

Open-minded
"I'm not into the full-grown shit really, maybe to mix things up every now and again ..."

Huh?
"Tame = ok; bare = grrrrreat. There is also ammendments -- if it's a hot shit hanging mess down there that's the only time where hair is a good thing."

Teeter tottering
"I like a landing strip, but sometimes bare is good, too. No wait, a strip -- yeah, I'll go with a strip."

Odd man out
"Like an inch or two would be good."

Incomprehensible
"Full-grown as in fat?"

So sure, but so wrong
"Bare -- everyone will say the same, I'm sure."

Knows what he likes
"Small thin line or maybe peach fuzz -- that's so hot."

Fair and rational
"It's not a huge deal to me, but I've been turned off by too much down there."

It's not the '70s
"No bush-gardens vagina."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

OK, so as it turns out, the consensus is not "bald is beautiful." Some like a little fuzz. Overall, the boys would rather you keep it clean. Only one out of the ten polled prefers full-grown. Needless to say, I find comfort in knowing men are scattered on this issue.

YU

Giddy In a Tin Can

Goodness knows I’m not an optimist. I’ve always been this way for as long as I can remember. People scoff when I say this, and so for evidentiary support I always turn to Sesame Street. My favorite character when I was five—and when pressed, to this day—wasn’t the sunshiny and affable Big Bird or the dorky but lovable Cookie Monster, but the stringy and gruff Oscar the Grouch, who sang songs about hating math and wiled away his days in a garbage can. To me, his lack of a sunny disposition made him the only relatable character on a show filled with moronically happy hand puppets. (Oddly, until I discovered the wonders of waxing, Oscar and I also shared a fondness for uni-brows.)

Anywho, the reason for this insight into my sullen childhood is because lately, my daily perception of life in general has changed, and I owe it all to a Boy, which in and of itself, makes me a little nauseous. (Hey, I didn’t say I was completely devoid of pessimism.)

For the last month, I’ve been floating around, no longer bothered by the day-to-day annoyances of anyone or anything. My morning alarm doesn’t screech but sings; getting unapologetically bumped into on the subway nets nothing more than an “Eh;” and most strikingly, I find myself going out of my way to be unnecessarily polite to people, smiling at strangers and striking up conversations with the bodega man about which gum ensures the freshest breath. I like the new me, and I know I owe my new alter ego to the Boy: Simply because he’s actually deigned to like me back, I suddenly want to be nicer to the world. This also scares the crap out of me.

Mostly, I’m baffled by the fact that knowing someone you like likes you back can completely alter your world, for better or for worse. It just goes to show you that the yogic theory of connectivity my mom is always pushing on me holds true: You affect the people around you, and more often than not, in ways you’ll never even know. It’s highly probable this epiphany is the reason I’m ridding myself of my grouchiness and being nicer to people—because really, if I can manage to brighten someone’s day by debating gum potency or making odd ball references to childhood Muppet characters, why shouldn’t I? And all this, I owe to a Boy.

Oh my god, I totally hate myself right now.

JM

Stalk much?

You know you do it -- "surfing," you call it, but STALKING is more like it. It all starts with an inkling; you have a crush and you attempt to find him/her on that heavenly (by the same token, evil) Web site known as MySpace. You search by typing in his/her first and last name, you sneak from friend-to-friend pages, you might even search by location and rummage from picture to picture; it's simple to locate the object of your affection in cyberspace.

Before you know it, there you are ... sad, at home (or work), lonely -- reading his/her profile, browsing blogs like it's your homework, taking a gander at comments left by friends, acquaintances, even strangers. Neglecting to realize that all of this is for show, you instantly come to the conclusion that said crush is "perfect" in every way.

The only snag: his/her status reads "In a Relationship."

Such is the case for a good friend of mine. He could've backed off the attached MySpace member, but he didn't. He e-mailed the girl (let's call her "Booya," shall we). With charm and wit, Booya responded to his casual New Message. They went at it back and forth for a day or two with clever banter, smart jokes, and a little getting-to-know-you action. To his dismay, no romantic advances surfaced. In fact, Booya's main squeeze was the number one on her infamous Top 8.

My friend has since given up, but surely, he'd want to know if/when Booya's status transforms to "Single." Lucky for him, there's a new service offered by SingleStat.us whereby subscribers can be notified when his/her crush's relationship whereabouts become open for biz'ness. Ahhh, now we've peaked your interest too, haven't we? Sign up and you'll be the first to know the minute your love interest becomes unattached (or shall we say detached).

Upon telling my crushed friend of the godsend stalking aid (which, by the way, boasts unlimited notifications for a mere $3.95), he exclaims "Oh yeah! Sign me up! That bitch was fine."

YU

A warm weather warning

Ah, spring. The sun shines, flowers bloom and baseball season begins. No doubt it’s a time of year men eagerly anticipate—and not just because warmer weather entices women into short skits and dresses. Usually, once the temperature hits 68, one can look down and catch a glimpse of men sporting the first mandals of the season.

The mandal, or man sandal, is the footwear feared most by women everywhere, particularly the weaved, Jesus-leading-the-Jews-across-the-desert type of mandal. (Flip flops are acceptable, yet only in designated areas such as the beach, a park or while lounging about the house.)

Ask me what’s particularly appalling about the mandal, and admittedly I’m hard-pressed to say. It has nothing to do with fashion sense, as I once dated a man who wore boat shoes everywhere. Generally, women simply find mandals an unattractive, borderline disgusting choice with which to adorn one’s feet. I cannot tell you how many times this spring I’ve seen a cute guy, ran my acceptability spot check (little or no hair product, at least one appealing facial feature, proper footwear, preferably sneakers of some kind), only to be deeply disappointed when he fails to meet my last and most important set of criteria.

And yes, I realize it’s an unfair requisite. Once the temperature really heats up, we women get to prance around in airy skirts and sandals while you’re stuck in pants and barely breathable shoes with laces. But you must understand that women get weekly pedicures to ensure their feet are free of dead skin, ragged toenails, and unsightly hair. Men, on the other hand, usually forego such primping, which, in all honesty, isn’t a bad thing—so long as you avoid exposing raw feet except when in one of the aforementioned acceptable areas.

Trust me when I say the fate of scoring a babe for the summer season lies not in your tousled, messy-on-purpose hair or carefully half-tucked striped dress shirt, but in your choice of footwear. Don’t believe me? I challenge you to successfully pick up a woman this spring or summer while wearing mandals—she may politely give you her number, but she’ll never return your call.

JM

#1 Single

So here we are ... numbers one, two, and three singles ...





I spent last Friday bumming around the house sans date, and I got to thinking -- when you're in your 20s (in Lisa's case, 30s), where can you meet great men? I watched the first season of "#1 Single" (thank you, OnDemand) as the first step of my research study. The second step: a look back on where I've met men. How did we fare?

• Online >> Lisa did Airtroductions, a service that sets you up on a date with someone on your flight. Her airborn date (a writer) later turned out to be a Page 6-conning weasel. He essentially fibbed in the name of publicity for his book. Cringe! With hopes that I'll have better luck than Lisa (or at least have some good stories to tell, uhhh, and blog about), I gave online dating a shot. My venture proved to be a waste of $60. All I found was a slew of ignorant men who can't tell the difference between your and you're, and their, there, and they're.

• Dog Park >> According to one of Lisa's friends, dog people (as in people who own dogs) make better significant others. They are attentive, friendly, and (most importantly) aim to please. Cat people, on the other hand ... well, they're quite the opposite. I'm not sure which category I fall into. Anyway, she goes to the dog park. Sure enough, she meets a couple of friendly fellas. I'd love to give this venue a shot. Only problem: my loud, obnoxious American Eskimo is pushing 90 (in dog years). On a side note, my gal pals and I have since wondered if we should open a dog rental biz. I'll keep you posted should this venture materialize (although several animal rights groups would probably oppose).

• Bookstore >> Now we're talking. Upon browsing, Lisa encountered a homosexual male -- OK, can't date him. Then she found a cute lawyer seated at a table. She proceeded to rummage through his iPod ... Air Supply, Alice Cooper, and rabbi. His rabbi? A good sign! Or so she thought. He ended up being an offensive, cocky prick. I've met a total of four men at bookstores -- actually, just the one Barnes and Noble in North Brunswick. I really need to pick a new hangout. Although they weren't offensive, cocky pricks, they were far from my ideal -- two cult enthusiasts, one just wasn't my type, and (yet) another rebounder. I went out with the cult enthusiasts a couple of times (separately ... and before I realized they were cult enthusiasts), but sent them away after several invites to their "Bible discussions." The just-not-my-type guy lasted three (maybe four) dates. I think I was bored. The third, well, it didn't take a genius to figure out he was desperate. He was in the Self Help section for goodness sakes! I never even offered up my digits. Once again -- success rate: 0.

So now what? Where can singles meet other singles? And by that, I mean other singles who are not weasels, pricks, homosexuals, cult enthusiasts, and rebounders ... Any suggestions?

YU

Poll: Do gentlemen prefer blondes?

Two single (and amazingly beautiful) brunettes walk into a bar, and a male friend tells them the reason these two lovely dark-haired ladies never meet any men is because brunettes are unapproachable. (Said male friend happens to be engaged to a redhead, a fact that gives a much-needed neutrality to his argument.) Of course, the girls disagree, genuinely believing they do nothing but give off affable and flirty vibes when out attempting to meet men.

Being a media guy, male friend of course blames the brunette-banishing on advertising, saying that brunettes are usually featured like so (insert an attempted smoldering and sultry, yet nothing but goofy look here), while blondes, most of the time, are pictured frolicking in fields with big smiles and beer cascading down their equally big chests.

It's a hard argument to dispute--given the choice, most men would probably choose the fun, sexy and beer-guzzling blondes over the attractive yet brooding brunettes with facial expressions that gaze at you as if you just ran over their dog. And so, we have yet another thing to blame on media--could this be why I can't get a date?

The following morning, Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell are singing and dancing away to "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" in "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" on AMC. Here you have the quintessential blonde bombshell, Marilyn Monroe, as the supposedly dumb yet charming and approachable Lorelei Lee, juxtaposed by the raven-haired Jane Russell as the attractive yet quick-witted and sharp-tongued Dorothy Shaw, who has taken it upon herself to escort Lorelei around the Queen Mary on a voyage to France to keep her out of trouble.

Plot lines aside, even the title of the movie is quite telling--we all know Marilyn Monroe, but Jane who? Yet, when watching these two women, there's no denying either's beauty, so let’s forget for a moment that Marilyn Monroe is, well--Marilyn Monroe, and let’s just look at her as any other blonde babe. Say you walk into a bar and there are Marilyn and Jane, both giving off affable and flirty vibes—which girl do you approach first?

JM

Sincerely Semicolon Sam

Possibly it’s the stern grammatist in me, but is it too much to ask that a man have some sense of how to construct a sentence with proper punctuation? (Alliteration abilities optional.)

Imagine that, after meeting a man named Sam and giving him your business card so he could call you, you receive the following e-mail:

Hey [Dater Who Dishes]:

My name is Sam we met at Madison last thursday. You are fun and kool to be with and to talk to. I f you are not busy this week maybe we could grab some coffee oneday............

Sincerely;
Sam

I promise you, nothing in that e-mail was altered except for names to protect the innocent and the stupid, respectively. Now, let’s deconstruct this e-mail line by line, and overanalyze it to the point of contrition, shall we?

Hey [Dater Who Dishes]: [The proper use of a colon here is duly noted, however, misleading as to the barrage of grammatical mistakes to come—evidence that what you see is not always what you get in a man.]

My name is Sam we met at Madison last thursday. [A run on sentence coupled with an uncapitalized noun denotes to me carelessness and makes the tone of your e-mail robotic. If this is how you treat your nouns, I would expect you to be as equally oblivious to my needs in a relationship.]

You are fun and kool to be with and to talk to. [Again, the absence of commas and overuse of “ands” presents a problem. Not to mention the completely baffling and intentional (or so we hope) misspelling of “cool.” What are you trying to accomplish by replacing ‘C’ with ‘K’? It’s not as if you’re saving yourself typing time by abbreviating, as in subbing “u” for “you,” which is excusable, though no less disgusting. If it’s an attempt to demonstrate how “with it” you are, I’d rather you try and wow me with your pop-culture prowess some other way. Because honestly, if “kool” is the extent of your hipness, I know right now this relationship can never work.]

I f you are not busy this week maybe we could grab some coffee oneday............ [I *space* F. Interesting. If you can’t put two letters together to form a word, how can I expect you to put two and two together in the bedroom? Furthermore, smashing “one” and “day” inappropriately together gives me a preview of the jack-rabbit sex I’m most likely in for should you and I move forward with this courtship. I’ll forego analyzing the misuse of ellipses, because I’m not completely heartless and am aware many people struggle with the proper use of ellipses, even the folks behind the AP Stylebook.]

Sincerely;
Sam
[So clearly, you have knowledge of formatting capabilities, as evidenced by the center placement of your signature. Why the same thoughtfulness can’t be applied to your punctuation and grammar, I will never know. Lastly, the use of a semicolon is all wrong here: In general, semicolons are used to indicate a greater separation of thought and information than a comma can convey, so what “Sincerely semicolon Sam” tells me is that your sincerity in signing off in the e-mail is so overwhelming, your name must consist of an entirely different thought all together. And that, I must say, is pathetic and fairly indicative of your emotional maturity.]

Overall, this e-mail is a complete turnoff, and not just to me because I write and edit for a living. Sure, I’ve been unfairly rough on the poor fellow, but only because someone needs to teach all those bad spellers and punctuators out there that while you don’t have to be William Wordsworth Longfellow in order to impress a girl with your e-mails, failing to proofread and utilize the spell check functions readily available on your computer conveys that you put absolutely no thought behind what you wrote. And, at the very least, it ensures an automatic delete rather than reply to your e-mail, as alas, was the fate of poor Sincerely Semicolon Sam.

JM

Dot-Com Rules

You'll be enticed to hear that I have ventured into the world of online dating. No, I'm not hardcore meeting dudes left and right, going out on dates with the men from these sites, and looking for the love of my life on the Internet. I signed up in the name of research. You know, so those of you utilizing or planning to make use of avenues like Match, eHarmony, and Fast Cupid will have a bonafide dater testing the waters.

My first order of business was to analyze the means of communication on said meeting sites. What I unraveled:

Online Dating Don'ts

Don't ignore my prerequisites. A 54-year-old man e-mailed me, "Hi! I found you on here using the matching feature." Ummm, no you did not, man-as-old-as-my-father. "I see that you're a writer. I am also. Check out my profile," Karl continues. Gee, grandpa, for someone who writes for a living, one would think you would've read my age requirements that state 24-32 (you missed it by 23 years). Regardless, I was compelled to click to see what this idiot looked like. And to my glee, I've hit the motherload of humor -- Karl a la white V-neck (like my grandfather used to sport) and short denim cut-offs. Karl then proceeds to leave me his phone number (home/office) to "call anytime." No wonder you've never been married.

Don't be ugly. Yay, a wink! Or so I thought... The sender was "raeshaan," a man who bears a striking resemblence to Howard Stern rat-packer Beetlejuice. Need I say more?

Don't tell me what to do. Here's another wink, and this time, it's from a somewhat attractive person. OK, I thought. Quasi Cutie e-mails, "So what publication do you write for? Where is Kendall Park? Also a comment try smiling in your pictures you are very stoic." Well, Kristian, try using better grammar next time and splitting up three sentences within one, and don't even get me started on your "comment." What makes you think I'd respond to your questions after having given me picture pointers? I already see this as an indication that if we were to become a couple (should hell freeze over), you'd order me around like a puppy.

Don't use "the one" as your subject. "i would love to know u my name is ray my email raydes11@yahoo.com," he e-mails. Aside from being quite the practical messager (count 'em, three thoughts within one incomplete sentence where he went as far as to forget two whole letters from the word "you") -- I like efficiency as much as the next girl -- but if you want to make a good impression, be more articulate. Add that to the self-absorbed subject heading, and no, I would not love to know u.

Don't call me out. Bud, I know you were being sincere in your e-mail, but no dice. Mark rambles, "While I think you're INCREDIBLY gorgeous and there is something infinitely sexy about you (I'm having trouble taking my eyes off your pic... it's mesmerizing), there seems to be a juxtaposition in your profile. Allow me to question it. You say that you are 'friendly, quirky, easygoing...' That doesn't really seem to mesh with a) your grammar and spelling obsession b) your 'intensity and passion' and c) your being 'ridiculously punctual.'" Don't try to butter me up, mister. Mask your smart-ass self with compliments all you want; you've just irritated me. Marc then ends his letter with, "BUT... you are adorable, and if it were just about looks, I'd propose today." Yeah, I appreciate your sharpness, honesty, and attention to detail, BUT no thanks. And FYI, if it were just about looks, I'd head for the hills the minute I saw you coming with a diamond.

Don't cut and paste. I've gotten this e-mail one too many times. "Hey, I like your smile," some say. Hmm, interesting. You, sirs, have obviously never even looked at my profile because had you done so, you would have noticed that I'm not smiling in any of my pictures. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that you probably used the cut-and-paste feature on your computer and e-mailed the same exact thing to 10, 20, maybe even 100 girls. I guess in your book, quantity is better than quality. And in my book, quality means not responding to a guy who's not very selective.

Don't sound desperate. For instance, "ChicagoBulls" e-mails, "I'm working at the University of Alabama for research and will be moving to Brooklyn soon. I'm currently seeking a soulmate. My account here will expire on April 12 so please send e-mails to matthewbenihana@yahoo.com." Being as that I've never had contact with this man prior to this e-mail, let me just say, holy crap -- a soulmate, expiration dates -- yikes! What are you doing, "ChicagoBulls"? You're not going to find your soulmate by actively looking for one amidst deadlines.

Don't tell me your life story. I won't even begin to cut and paste the B.S. this Eric fom central Jersey sent me. Let's just say it's four paragraphs (with more than seven sentences to each paragraph) about his likes, dislikes, hobbies, and aspirations. OK I can't resist, here's one quote "I am very close with my parents, and my younger brother who is 21 years old. I like to say little brother, but everytime I say that my friends and family laugh, and ask me who's the little brother, since he's like 5'11. I love to laugh and make others laugh. In fact a smile, is the first thing that attracts me to someone. I am also very affectionate and a big cuddler, and snuggler who likes to kiss, hold, hug and gives lots and lots of massages." (Are you still reading? I doubt I was able to hold your undivided attention through all of that mumbo jumbo, but just in case you stuck around, read on.) GEEZUS! Who cares?! These are things one does not need to know at first contact. OK, so here's another quote (because it's just too damn good of an example as to why not to do this) -- "If you're interested, e-mail me at egruber2004@yahoo.com or IM me on AIM. My screen name is Waiterblackbelt2, so we can get to know each other, become friends, and see what develops. Possibly, in the future we can discover new places and things together." Oh my gawd -- I guess you have it all planned out for us huh, Eric, uhhh stranger/bore extraordinairre?

Well, I hope you guys learned something (aside from the fact that I'm a heartless, shallow bitch).

YU

Hook me up, yo

I realize I risk revealing my geekiness, or worse—sounding like a literary snob—when I tell you I’m currently reading Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina. It’s a 754-page book (801 including footnotes), and its central plots (yes, there’s two) revolve around adultery and self-discovery. (Heh, heh, OK, I’ll stop showing off my literary prowess.) Anyhow, Anna Karenina was written around 1875, and it’s striking to me how well life was run back then, as evidenced by the following excerpt on page 45 of the 2003 edition published by Barnes and Noble Classics (I’m done now I swear.):

...How girls were to be married, and how parents were to marry them, no one knew. Every one with whom the princess had chanced to discuss the matter said the same thing: “Mercy on us, it’s high time in our day to cast off all that old-fashioned business. It’s the young people have to marry, and not their parents; and so we ought to leave the young people to arrange it as they choose.” It was very easy for any one to say that who had no daughters, but the princess realized that in the process of getting to know each other, her daughter might fall in love, and fall in love with some one who did not care to marry her or who was quite unfit to be her husband. And, however much it was instilled into the princess that in our times young people ought to arrange their lives for themselves, she was unable to believe it, just as she would have been unable to believe that, at any time whatever, the most suitable playthings for children five years old ought to be loaded pistols.

Interesting, I thought, which leads me to this blog arguing in favor of reinstituting arranged marriages.

Obviously five-year-olds shouldn’t be playing with loaded pistols any more than I should be entrusted with finding a good man. After all, I’m 26 years old and have three significant yet failed relationships in my past. Sadly, I’ve fallen in love with people who did not care to date me beyond the six-month mark, let alone marry me, as well as those who many deemed an unsuitable match. My parents on the other hand, have been married for almost 30 years and possessed the forthright to never, ever let my sister or I play with loaded pistols. Clearly, they know a hell of a lot more than I do, so why wouldn’t I leave the decision of who I spend the rest of my life with up to them?

Of course, I may be one of the lucky few kids who would trust her parents' judgment in selecting her a mate. I’m incredibly close with my mother and I’m well aware that my father only wants the best for me. Now, Pat and Bill’s marriage is far from perfect: They’ve have had their good times and bad times, forgotten anniversaries and redeemed themselves with the perfect Christmas present. They’ve stayed with each other though sickness, death, lay offs and occasionally ungrateful children. All of this, in my mind, qualifies them as experts in sustaining a marriage—a far cry from my half-assed attempts at relationships thus far—and I have no doubt my parents would be capable of finding an as-close-to-perfect match in a man for me.

And really the benefits of arranged marriages are two fold: I send them off to work, thus ridding myself of the grueling process of dating; furthermore, in letting my parents choose my future husband, mom and dad feel as though they are an active participant of my life. It’s a win-win.

JM

Your girl is lovely, Hubbell.

Angela and I dined at one of our favorite sushi places (East Hana on Route 18) -- no harassment abound. I alerted her on Jenn's blog about her recently popped spinster bubble.

Angela immediately deduces that subconsciously -- me, her, and Jenn -- don't really want boyfriends right now. "If you want one, he will come," she continues, "but deep down, we probably just don't care to have significant others at the moment -- it's not the right time."

She's so smart, I can't stand it.

But then I just had to bring up the fact that I go out on plenty of dates -- sadly, a true story -- but no one seems to "stick" (as in, I don't make a perfect connection with said dates, it's just a matter of bad timing with said dates, or said dates are just flat-out creeps).

Her response: "If you really wanted a boyfriend, trust me, you'd have one. You'd just pick from the litter and make one 'stick,' (which is what a lot of these miserable couples are guilty of)" she attests. "As for your bad success rate (the fact that none of these boys sweep me off my feet) -- it's not your fault there are a lot of douchebags out there."

Ha! Gotta love her reasoning.

Now it's 11:25 p.m. I'm in bed with my laptop answering some e-mails and watching (yet) another episode of "Sex and the City" (gawd, I'll never get tired of this show).

Carrie concludes, "The world is made of two types of women -- the simple girls and the Katie girls."

If that's the case, which one am I? I'd like to think I'm a K'k'k'katie girl, however, (according to "The Way We Were," the movie the troubled foursome were referring to) the simple girls are the ones who fare better when it comes to love.

Let's add a little something to Angela's award-winning theory. Could it be that we (my sexy sidekick, my Dish blogging partner, and I) are K'k'k'katie girls -- complicated, abstract, and thriving? And on that note, are too focused on ourselves to free up time to really focus on love?

So in following up on Jenn's blog about her recently popped spinster bubble -- we're K'k'k'katie girls. We don't want (or have the time for) boyfriends right now. We're in our roaring mid-20s -- our careers are progressing at a rapid rate, we're figuring out who we are in this world, and coming to grips with what we want out of life. Such factors make it difficult to even think of everlasting love because our own futures are quite uncertain.

And there you have it -- I just hope I'm right. Holy hell, I hope I haven't become a total cynic.

YU

The age-appropriate dating game

If celebrities really are the trendsetters they believe themselves to be, then it would seem the latest dating fad among actresses is May-December romances. Witness the coupling of pop tartlet Hilary Duff and her eyeliner-wearing rocker boyfriend Joel Madden (7 year difference), the former Angela-Chase/current home-wrecker Claire Danes and her publicity-hating BF Billy Crudup (11 year difference), and the glib Katie Holmes and her couch-humping fiancée Tom Cruise (16 year difference). And let’s not forget the woman we all model our lives after, Anna Nicole Smith, who at 26, entered into a now-defunct-by-death marriage with a nearly 90-year-old man (a whopping 64 year difference).

Of course, these relationships don’t strike us as strange because the people involved are drop-dead gorgeous, which, as we average-looking people know, automatically null and voids any preconceived taboo. (As evidenced when bouncers kick you out of bars for dancing on table tops a la Paris Hilton.) As 26-year-old Erin said, “I think my cutoff is 40 years-old … but to go that old it’d have to be the perfect guy—like George Clooney.” Mr. Clooney not withstanding, just how old is a gal in her 20s willing to go to find that perfect guy?

Not that old, it turns out. “After about six years, I think there’s an experience gap: you didn’t go to college or high school around the same time and societal norms have invariably changed,” says Sarah, 25. Likewise, Jodi, 26, has been-there-done-that when it comes to men five-plus years her senior, and she isn’t going back. “Women in their mid-20s are going through a lot of transitions (friends, post-college/social life blues, job confusion, etc.), and I think it’s important to date someone who is also going through that and understands what you are experiencing,” she says. “It’s not the same to be able to look back and say, ‘Oh—I went through that—you’ll be fine.’ That’s just annoying.”

Some women who have dated older men find the dudes aren’t always as mature as they’re expected to be, so many girls just stay away from guys who are a little closer to needing Viagra altogether. “From experience, I’d say that most 25-year-old males have the maturity you’d expect from a 20 year old—at best,” says Rennie, who wouldn’t date a guy older than her 25-year-old self. “So younger than 25 would really be the equivalent of a teenager, which would be totally unacceptable.”

Experience gaps and maturity levels go both ways, too. Not all women are looking for a man who is ready to settle down after three months of dating. “I got this message on MySpace from this 25-year-old guy who told me all of his life plans—where he wants to settle down, how many kids he wants to have, and how his job is seriously taking off,” says Amanda, who is about to turn the tender age of 21. “I mean come on, man, my profile says I’m 20 years old and that I’m still in college. I’m sure I want to hear all about how many kids you want to have. No thank you.”

By the same token, women in this precarious age bracket figure 30-plus bachelors will always remain bachelors. Says Lola, 26: “I found that men who surpassed the age of 32 either were: a) psycho stalkers/too much baggage and issues (which was why they were single); b) married and divorced because they never grew up and were never going to, or; c) confirmed bachelors who are and will always be looking for ass. If I were still single my cut off would be 31 ... If they aren’t mature adults by that age they’re never going to be.”

Some women on the other hand, don’t base their age cut off on experience, but rather rules of perception. “I wouldn’t date any one over 31, as that’s my bro’s age,” says Anita, 25. “I always thought of my bro as my second father, so I guess the reasoning is because I don’t want to date my father ... or something like that.” Arielle, 26, shares the same cut-off age because, “I want to date someone who has similar interests and no wrinkles.”

Of course, not all women think this way. And because The Dish is committed to bringing a good moral tale to each blog, rest assured this pickiness karma will inevitably come back to bite us all in the ass: “My boss is a semi-recent divorcee, 60 years old, and is dating online because she’s having a really difficult time meeting men,” says Melissa, 26. “She claims that she can't get a date because all of these men in their 50s and 60s are going for all the eager 20 and 30-something girls that want a stable “well-off man.” So she figures she is going to have to wait for all of these men to reach their 70s to realize they can’t get any better than her. How depressing is that?”

JM

The advent of the Heterosexual Life Partner (a.k.a., HSLP)

The other day someone asked me to name the last romantic thing someone did for me. I came up with a few:

* Ysolt and I regularly make each other mix CDs and send them through the mail. Most recently she sent me a two-disc Lisa Loeb set that is the perfect soundtrack to my life.

* Ilyse and I regularly go to dinner at cozy and dimly lit restaurants. I know it's set to be a special evening when she conceeds to ordering a bottle of wine, given she doesn't like wine as much as I do.

* Without my asking, Melissa picked up three pairs of amazing shoes for me at a sample sale. I was touched when she said, "I thought you'd like them."

I couldn't even name a male friend, boyfriend or otherwise, who has done something sweet or even chivalrous for me lately. Because this isn't 1956, I'm shocked when a man has the good manners and forethought to do such a thing. For example: I find myself genuinely impressed when someone holds the door open for me to enter through first, rather than opening the door for themselves, passing through, and then holding the door for me.

Clearly, romance is not just dead between opposite sexes, it's been vaporized altogether.

(A side note to those few well-mannered men in existence: All these assholes out there make you look good, and I can't emphasize enough how much that works in your favor.)

So I realized through this seemingly innocent question that when I crave romance, or even spending time with someone who will do something nice for me, I turn to my girlfriends. My girlfriends--possibly subconciously feeling the same as I do--are more than happy to cater to my chivalrous needs, and I theirs.

My close girlfriends, or HSLPs as they've come to be known, fill the shoes you so-called equality-loving and double-standard hating men leave behind. Which in a way is sad, but the more I think about it, the more I find having girls fill my romantic voids very serene. Because it comes from a girl, I don't analyze every song on a CD for hidden meanings or messages, I don't have to worry about getting too drunk at dinner or who's going to foot the bill, nor do I have to wonder if buying me a few unexpected gifts is due to guilt over doing something wrong or trying to butter me up for some hidden agenda in the sack later on.

So word to the next guy who comes my way: You've got a lot to live up to, Mac. My HSLPs set a high bar for romance.

JM

We're sorry, Donna Reed no longer works here.

This e-mail arrived in our inbox today, and we felt compared to share:

Dear Editors:

I wanted to notify you that my last day at Flack PR agency will be Friday, March 10th. Please note that I have decided to dedicate this month to planning my upcoming wedding and moving into my new home. Once everything is in order, I plan on returning to the public relations sector.

Hmm... A month off to prep for a big party and rearrange furniture? Must be nice. Suddenly getting married doesn't sound so bad after all.

The hazards of the job

One of the great things about being a writer is that I get all sorts of shit for free: clothes, trips to Greece, psych consults.

Recently an interview I had with a psychologist for an article about women and education strayed way off course when I mistakenly used my own life as a measure of happiness. He asked what I valued and I told him: creativity, fulfillment, success. He brought to my attention that none of my values involved starting a family. (When he spoke of family, it didn’t necessarily mean settling down and pooping out kids, but just sharing my life with someone.)

Though I usually tout my spinsterhood with pride, the fact that I haven’t even factored finding someone into my plans over the next five years admittedly scared me. What scared me even more—after Dr. Psych Psycherson pointed it out, of course—was that I presumed I would find eternal happiness through my occupation. That’s how I would leave my mark. Certainly I am poised to be the next Jane Pratt—just as 100,000 other people think they are, too. Dr. Psycherson explained to me—not harshly, but realistically—that my chances of achieving that kind of success are slim. And then Dr. Psycherson put the final nail in my single and successful coffin: When it nears the end, people usually wish for more time with their loved ones, not more time at the office.

Ironically earlier that day, I received an e-mail from a close friend, sent in the wee hours of the morning with the subject line, “You’re invited to my pity party!” Said friend had just gotten a promotion and a significant raise, plus she was just about to score her own roommate-free apartment. But Friend was upset because she didn’t have someone special to celebrate her successes with. So I pulled out my single and fabulous speech: Would you rather be stuck in a dead-end relationship or view every man you meet as romantic potential? You don’t need a man; you have friends, and great ones at that. She fell for it.

Sure I would take her out to celebrate her fabulous life, but who was going to take her home and ensure her life was fabulous well after I bought her that congratulatory Miller Lite at the bar?

Dr. Psych Psycherson and I talked about how in 20-30 years it will be interesting to see how this current women’s movement of putting career before family will play out, because research shows that when men retire they tend to be unhappy and women are astonished that colleagues aren’t always true friends. Women in metropolitan areas (ahem) are especially susceptible, because they think women around the country live their lives as they do, and in reality, they don’t. I even did quick and very scientific research by scanning my e-mail address book and realized that for every three of my friends, only one was single. (And yes, I have more than three friends.)

What all this rambling comes down to is though I thought I could find fulfillment in life sans relationship, I no longer think I can. Suddenly my safe spinster bubble has popped and I realize I’m scared to wind up alone with nothing to show for my life but a few articles on unmarketable majors and registered traveler. Dr. Psych Psycherson made me realize that all of my being-single-is-great pomp and circumstance is just a façade to mask my fears of never finding a man and starting a family. Now don’t get me wrong, I am in no way turning into one of those get-me-a-man-quick women, but I realized having someone who I can celebrate my fabulous life with well after the bar has closed sure would be nice.

JM

The Art of Cheating

If students can use Cliff's Notes and non-swimmers can have floatation devices, why can't relationship-challenged individuals have tools at their disposal? Dating can be just as complicated as reading Shakespeare and learning to swim, so it's only fair to give daters relationship aids and finesse floaties. Go ahead, you can cheat, we won't tell...

Reasons #8, 16, 48, 73, and 572 I hate Valentine’s Day

Yes, I hate Valentine’s Day. And no, it’s not because I don’t have a significant other to share it with. Truth be told, I hate the pseudo-holiday (is it really a holiday if you have to go to work?) even when I’m in a relationship.

First, I hate flowers. They’re cliché. A stuffed animal? It’s cute, but what am I—nine? Dinner is OK, but if V-Day happens to fall on a week night that means I’ll have to break my no-going-out-on-week-nights rule, which I only occasionally (and begrudgingly) do. As for candy and chocolates? Those are the worst. I don’t want to eat them, because I’m afraid they’ll make me fat or make me breakout, but I’ll eat them anyway because I’ll feel bad about neglecting your gift, but I’ll detest every bite because I feel the sugar oozing right to my thighs, which means—after being force fed an entire box of chocolate—the last thing I’ll want to do is squeeze into that lingerie you bought me—what the hell were you thinking picking out extra small panties and a size 32A bra anyway? Are you trying to make me feel insecure? Not to mention this is how you show your undying love for me? One day a year, with lacy, crotchless panties? And it’s not even slutty panties from semi-classy Victoria Secret, it’s slutty panties from that god awful white trash Fredericks of Hollywood joint. Oh, and then there's this chocolate body paint you bought that you thought would be oh-so-fun—what was that, an impulse buy at good ol' Freddy's? You really expect me to spread that sticky gunk all over my body and ruin my 300 count Egyptian cotton sheets—MY GOD DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME AT ALL?!

See what I mean? It’s just not worth it.

JM

Survey Follow-Up: A Lesson in Ladies

Our last survey was so popular, demand became strong for 10 questions that provided 60 glimpses into the mind of six single women. So we asked some dudes for some Q's and we answered; honestly and -- true to the female form -- erratically. Because as you'll see, while the guys' answers all share a thread of similarity, us gals can't even agree on the simple matter of chest hair.



1. Why do women always claim "I don't play games," and then turn around and do just that in a relationship?

The same reason dogs lick their balls -- because we can. Well that and there are some relationships out there that rely solely on the back and forth of said "game playing." There are 2 types of games in my mind:

The 1st is done in an effort to intentionally manipulate a situation. For example, women will often pretend they are dating other people to make themselves more appealing to the guy they really like. This is a game we might play to attract the opposite sex and is a clear manipulation of the truth.

The 2nd type of game is played almost unknowingly, by the crazy ladies out there who are so out of their minds for a man that they'll do just about anything to be with him -- including a change from sane to psycho. Plus, I think they like the make-up sex!

2. What's with the tats? We really don't find them attractive.

Tats -- as in tattoos? Who says that anyway?!? I think "tats" are cool, but perhaps I'm partial because I have one in the most cliché of spots. And to be quite honest, regardless of how cliché, etc. most men I've been with seem to enjoy it or they just really want to get in my pants. Ha ha!

3. Why do some women HAVE to be pursued?

I wouldn't really consider myself one of these women, so this is a tricky one for me. However, I assume it is because there is some gratification in feeling truly wanted by someone. Some people need that attention or gratification constantly to make up for other insecurities they have.

4. Why do women always fall for the "bad boy" when there are plenty of nice guys out there?

I wish I knew!!! Actually -- to be honest, of the "nice" guys I've been with, most have not been as gratifying physically. Maybe it's a confidence issue or something, but the "bad boys" just seem to know how to get the job done! Sometimes, that alone can be a selling point in my book.

5. What's more attractive on a guy -- chest hair or no chest hair?

Well I've dated men of both variations and don't mind either. Chest hair is fine as long as it's well kept & doesn't resemble the Amazon Rainforest!!! In fact, I'll take this opportunity to say that this rule applies to all forms of body hair, male & female alike.

6. Why are women (most women, not all) so obsessed with getting the ring? I usually liken these women to Gollum in LOTR.

Thankfully I have yet to reach this sad point of desperation in life so I'm not prepared to comment. I really don't get the rush to commit... That's all I'm going to say about that.

7. Why do women say the opposite of what they want, and why do us men have to guess what that is?

Why can't women just say what they want? Please... we do!!! Men just don't hear us even though they claim to be listening. I also think we are easily disappointed when we have to tell you what we want. If I say I'd love some romance -- flowers, candles, etc. and then you go right out & do it -- the element of surprise is completely lost. It just makes the whole thing seem effortless on the guy's part.

8. What is the best way to break it off with you?

Get some balls and just do it, rip the Band-Aid off. No one wants to be with somebody who isn't 100 percent into them so eventually we'll come to grips with it.

9. What is the best way to tell you we want something more without making it seem like we're going to "cramp your shit"?

Just say so... Take a risk and put your feelings out there.

10. When it comes to the TEXT vs. CALL debate... Where do you stand? Pros and Cons? Preferences?

Text messages should only be used when:

(a) you are speaking about something you don't want co-workers/friends/roommates to possibly overhear (like a recent one-nigh-stand story)

or

(b) for "sext" messaging -- my personal favorite.

In my opinion, drunken texting has led me back in the arms of a few people I had never hoped to see again. Unless there is a "sext" message involved, I say -- MAKE THE CALL INSTEAD. We like hearing your voice and over-analyzing everything that comes with the full blown convo!



1. Why do women always claim "I don't play games," and then turn around and do just that in a relationship?

Women who play games are usually doing it in response to the game-playing instituted by those of the male gender. Personally, I hate playing games. However, if a man wants to light the Olympic torch, he better beware because I'm fierce like the U.S. hockey team against the USSR circa 1980.

2. What's with the tats? We really don't find them attractive.

I disagree. Well-placed tattoos can be aesthetically pleasing (see Ben Affleck). However, I don't want to see any ink on your face, neck, or head (see Mike Tyson for an example of what *not* to do).

3. Why do some women HAVE to be pursued?

Sometimes I view myself as a one-of-a-kind commodity in the marketplace. The more exclusive I make "my product" (me), the higher the value. If you are difficult to attain, tricky to figure out, and incredibly mysterious, for some reason you are more attractive and desirable. This, I believe (I'm no psychologist here), is sending a subtle message to men that you are valuable and worth the trouble.

4. Why do women always fall for the "bad boy" when there are plenty of nice guys out there?

I have simply too much personal experience in this area. This is like asking a person with a gambling addiction why he's willing to blow his whole paycheck on one bet. I think it stems from the emotional unavailability of these types of men. Many women want to conquer the wild beast and a man who is bad and acts like he could "care less" is more difficult to subdue than say, a Bambi-type (loved the movie when I was 4, by the way).

5. What's more attractive on a guy -- chest hair or no chest hair?

I think chest, facial, and excessive pubic hair is repugnant. Some men need to discover electrolysis.

6. Why are women (most women, not all) so obsessed with getting the ring? I usually liken these women to Gollum in LOTR.

I have no idea. I have a job and if I really want a ring, I'm sure some jeweler will extend me credit to get one. I think women are socialized to believe that marriage equals self-actualization. I beg to differ. You can have a 3-carat ring and a $45,000 wedding and still have a louse for a husband. I'd rather have a man who loves and respects me than some dude whose only way of showing me he cares is purchasing some diamond mined by children in a third-world country.

7. Why do women say the opposite of what they want, and why do us men have to guess what that is?

Men should know what we want all the time. There are hundreds of books to figure out what men want and I am sure there's a few for men to figure out what women want. [Aside: I think "He's Just Not that Into You" is a huge leap backwards from a feminist standpoint.] If a man loves me, he will be able to anticipate my wants and needs. It's called "listening" ... we learned about it in kindergarten.

8. What is the best way to break it off with you?

Leave me alone. Don't call me at 1 am on Sunday morning/Saturday night and tell me how much you love me then neglect to call me until you are drunk again. Stop telling me you love me, you think I'm attractive, but I'm not "the one". Just let me find someone to be excited about me. Every woman deserves someone to be excited about her.

9. What is the best way to tell you we want something more without making it seem like we're going to "cramp your shit"?

I would tell a man that I have certain expectations in the relationship that are not being met. At that point he can do the same. If he loves me and my requests are within reason, he will comply and I will do same. If he doesn't, he is not worthy of my time. I have no fear of being that old lady with 40 cats.

10. When it comes to the TEXT vs. CALL debate... Where do you stand? Pros and Cons? Preferences?

Unless you have laryngitis or some other inability to speak and you want to date me, you better call. I dated a guy briefly and had to break it off after he only texted me. We would send 30 texts in a row. I mean, what a waste! Just call me! Now, if you and I are lovers, then you can text at your heart's content!



1. Why do women always claim "I don't play games," and then turn around and do just that in a relationship?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Honestly, I try my hardest not to play games. When I am tempted however, I have an internal monolouge with myself and say, "OK, how would you feel if he did that to you?" More often than not the answer is, "I'd hate it," so I don't do it.

2. What's with the tats? We really don't find them attractive.

Well, I didn't get a tattoo for you, I got it for me, so it doesn't really matter if you think it's attractive or not. Believe me, the last thing I was thinking about when Eduardo was jabbing an ink-stained needle into my skin was, "Nice. I'm gonna score so many dudes with this."

3. Why do some women HAVE to be pursued?

Because they've been hurt before, and they feel like men have to prove themselves worthy of their time and affection.

4. Why do women always fall for the "bad boy" when there are plenty of nice guys out there?

Because all the nice guys are wrapped up in the crazy bitches, so we have no choice.

5. What's more attractive on a guy -- chest hair or no chest hair?

I'll tell you what's not attractive: a shaved chest. Unless you're a swimmer, it's not cool. I honestly don't have a preference, though when I think back on it, I've never dated a guy without chest hair, so I guess I resigned myself to hairiness early on.

6. Why are women (most women, not all) so obsessed with getting the ring? I usually liken these women to Gollum in LOTR.

Where are these women? I know they exist, but I can honestly say I've never met one -- that type of girl is a dying breed. In fact, I would venture to say -- at least from my experience -- that more and more guys are obsessed with finding a finger to put a ring on. But maybe that's just because I'm (glup) getting older.

7. Why do women say the opposite of what they want, and why do us men have to guess what that is?

Because you're just supposed to KNOW. At least that's how I want to feel. I want to feel like you know me so well you don't even have to ask.

8. What is the best way to break it off with you?

Just tell me. I'm a big girl, I can handle it. Or so I hope.

9. What is the best way to tell you we want something more without making it seem like we're going to "cramp your shit"?

Hmm... toughie. Lots of factors play into this. But think about it: If I like you back, why would I care about you cramping my shit?

10. When it comes to the TEXT vs. CALL debate... Where do you stand? Pros and Cons? Preferences?

Phone call, please. I feel like texting is such a chicken shit way of going about things. It's like, "Oh, wah, what if she doesn't like me? I better text her so that if she doesn't respond, I can make myself feel better by convincing myself she didn't get it." And while we're on the subject of text messages -- never ever text me smiley faces or "LOL." Its so unvirile.



1. Why do women always claim "I don't play games," and then turn around and do just that in a relationship?

We come into the situation with the intent to NOT play any games. But then the minute the man shows inconsistency (as in not calling when he says he will, bringing up the ex factor, or -- the opposite -- becoming super clingy way too soon), we have no choice. I suppose "playing games" is a defense mechanism. Some women are terrified of getting hurt or hurting others so they tailor their actions as necessary to cover their asses.

2. What's with the tats? We really don't find them attractive.

I don't either. I don't have any. For one, I think they look like body dirt. Secondly, I'll probably end up regretting what ever tat I pick -- I can't even wear the same outfit twice for goodness sakes. Not to mention, the pain. But, hey, some guys think they're hot -- so go for it if it goes with your personal style.

3. Why do some women HAVE to be pursued?

Because it makes us feel special. I want to know that you're into me -- whether it's by getting flowers, nice gestures, a kind word. If men aren't "pursuing" then I how can I tell who's interested? I'm not about to put myself out there for the world. I want to determine who's in the running. But wait -- men also have to be pursued, don't they? It's just in a different fashion; men might like a little flirting, some gratuitous "treats," a sexy look here and there. It's a two-way street.

4. Why do women always fall for the "bad boy" when there are plenty of nice guys out there?

Because bad boys are usually the cocky ones. Cocky means confidence. Confidence is attractive -- whether it's the arrogant kind or not. Bad boys are also fantastic liars -- you can't tell they're bad (at first, anyways). By the time we find out they're bad, we're already sucked in, and it takes a lot of strength to leave the situation. The nice guys out there -- they're typically the shy, sensible ones. Being shy and sensible only gets you lots of gal pals.

5. What's more attractive on a guy -- chest hair or no chest hair?

Hmmm -- good question. Well, I don't like either extreme -- not a spec because you shave it; so much hair that you look like an orangutan. In my opinion, a little hair is OK.

6. Why are women (most women, not all) so obsessed with getting the ring? I usually liken these women to Gollum in LOTR.

Because it's shiny, pretty, and everyone wants one! Just kidding. The ring signifies a commitment. I think some women subconsciously think that the ring is a "love barometer" -- the bigger the ring, the more solid the love (or the better the fiance/husband). Also, love makes the world go round, and so does MONEY. Some women enjoy the satisfaction that their ring is better and costs more than everyone else's. It's like we're in the 5th grade comparing sneakers or something. Women are also accessory fiends. We follow the gods of style -- and a new addition to the wardrobe (like a nice, big rock) changes every ensemble for the better.

7. Why do women say the opposite of what they want, and why do us men have to guess what that is?

Honestly, sometimes we're not sure what we want. And while you're guessing what it is that we want, that's probably when our minds are being molded. And quite frankly, sometimes what you do makes us change our minds. What we want might be one way, but the minute you start acting like a bonehead -- yeah, things change. When women actually do say the opposite of what they want and are aware of it, however, I believe they're just testing to see if you're paying attention.

8. What is the best way to break it off with you?

Just piss me off beyond belief so I end up breaking it off with you, and call it a day. This way, I'm not hurt that YOU didn't want to be with ME, and I feel like I made the decision to leave. This would be my ideal. Some girls might just want the absolute truth. Save me the agony -- if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all.

9. What is the best way to tell you we want something more without making it seem like we're going to "cramp your shit"?

Keep "it" away from me, then I'll want it. Ha! I mean, "my shit" will be "cramped" either way, you might as well trick me into "cramping" my own shit. Let me do the work.

10. When it comes to the TEXT vs. CALL debate... Where do you stand? Pros and Cons? Preferences?

If you're going to ask me to hang out -- give me a call, damn it. I want to know that you put in a little more effort in wanting to see me. When it comes to just saying a quick "hi, hope you're having a good day," I'd prefer a text -- especially if you don't have much else to say. I don't have time to be on the phone in awkward silence.

Texting definitely has its pros -- gives the nice, shy guys a new avenue of contact that's not as scary. However, texting also gives the bad boys a new way to approach a "booty call" (i.e. the "booty text"). Beware, babygirls!



1. Why do women always claim "I don't play games," and then turn around and do just that in a relationship?

Deep down all women play games. We play games because men drive us to do so. Most men don't show their emotions or feelings very well, so in order to get down to the truth of how they feel about us we must play "games." We have all thrown hissy fits and tantrums, and run away in hopes that our man will chase us down and tell us how important we are to him. Most games we play, however, don't work too well and end up backfiring in our faces.

2. What's with the tats? We really don't find them attractive.

Tats look stupid. I don't have much to say on this matter.

3. Why do some women HAVE to be pursued?

I think women need to be pursued for 2 reasons:

Reason 1: Woman is insecure and needs to feel that there are men out there who cannot live without them. It helps to build up their confidence and makes them feel important.

Reason 2: Most women (like myself) have found way too many guys out there who put a half-ass effort into the relationship. After being in many of these half-ass relationships one comes to realize the guys who put effort into a relationship are those who pursue you relentlessly. Even though these guys can be scary with the "clingy" quality sometimes, applying the right amount of "chase" shows that he's not going to sit on his ass during your relationship. I think women who see pursuing in this light feel the need to be pursued in order to obtain a man who will in the long run prevail.

4. Why do women always fall for the "bad boy" when there are plenty of nice guys out there?

I think the "bad boy" may be more exciting and interesting than the "nice boy." Nice guys are fine with sitting at home and cuddling on the couch. They don't pick fights with you and may at times be kind of predictable -- a.k.a. BORING. Bad boys, on the other hand, make life interesting because even though they'll break your heart and leave you in tears in the end, you never know what to expect from them.

We have all chased after and dated the bad boys. In retrospect, I finally see the light. I'm tired of the bad boy and looking for a "nice guy." Most girls just have to get burned many times to change their ways. The nice guy may finish last, but that's because he is the last one we want to be with.

5. What's more attractive on a guy -- chest hair or no chest hair?

This requires no thought for me: NO CHEST HAIR!!! No girl hopes to date a guy with lots of chest hair. The most we can hope for, however, is a manageable amount considering most men naturally have hair on their chest. 

6. Why are women (most women, not all) so obsessed with getting the ring? I usually liken these women to Gollum in LOTR.

I'd love to know the answer to this question, too. I will take an educated guess that most women are conditioned to think that soon after you finish school/begin a career/etc. you are expected to buckle down and get hitched. I think a ring to many women symbolizes womanhood in some way. Honestly though, I don't know the answer to this question because I am surrounded by many strong, independent female friends who are not "ring crazy" because they want to have a career and life for themselves before settling down for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!!!

7. Why do women say the opposite of what they want, and why do us men have to guess what that is?

This goes along with the whole game playing thing from question 1. We say one thing because we want the boy to have the chance to make the decision we want him to make without us having to tell him. Also, sometimes, we know the answer we want to give to the question, but it'll sound jealous and bitchy. Example below:

Man: "Honey can I have dinner with my ex?"
Woman: "Sure honey."

What the woman wanted to say was: "Why the fuck do you want to have lunch with your freaking ex when you are dating me? Do you want to get back with her or something?"

See, that sounds bitchy doesn't it? Also, no woman wants to have to tell her man not to have dinner with the ex, she just wants him to NOT WANT TO!!!

8. What is the best way to break it off with you?

There is really no best way, but I guess talking to us, telling us why it is over, and being there when we break down in tears. This is just such a hard one to answer because heartbreak doesn't feel good any way that it is delivered. Only advise is to be calm and gentle when it's happening even if the girl is freaking out and screaming.

9. What is the best way to tell you we want something more without making it seem like we're going to "cramp your shit"?

I think most girls are open to having something more. We are not the gender with the fear of commitment (that is a generalization though). I think as long as you show it and prepare us for when you actually talk to us about it there will not be any "cramping of anyone's shit." Personally, I think this is a great conversation to have after a great date when you're lying in bed together just talking. Show your affection boys!!!

10. When it comes to the TEXT vs. CALL debate... Where do you stand? Pros and Cons? Preferences?

I prefer CALL because a TEXT is impersonal. OK OK -- it also costs me more money to TEXT, but I honestly think TEXTing may be a way of cowardly avoiding a deep and personal connection you could have with someone. I mean, I am not a talk-on-the-phone type of person (unless you are my boyfriend), but I think that calling me will lead to a deeper connection. Now if you see this person everyday and talk to them in person, then TEXTing is fine when figuring out plans to meet up.



1. Why do women always claim "I don't play games," and then turn around and do just that in a relationship?

I think this question applies to the guys as well. Any sane person will not go around saying (or bragging about the fact) that they play games with other people. Those who play games probably don't know what the definition of a "game" is, and therefore aren't aware that their actions would fall under the gaming category. Maybe someone should correct them and set 'em straight. Isn't the whole dating process a game anyways? Take for example the three day rule. What is that!?! If you like me, who says that you have to wait three days to call?

2. What's with the tats? We really don't find them attractive.

If you can have them, then so can we. Tattoos are like piercings, if it is out of control it looks gross, but if it is tastefully done it adds character. If you don't like my tattoo, then you don't like me because it is a part of who I am, and then I don't like you anyways. Problem solved.

3. Why do some women HAVE to be pursued?

This refers back to question #1. It is a game. I admit that I am a victim of this sport. Basically, it is just nice to know that someone either cares about you enough, or is interested enough in you, to put in the time and energy it takes to win you over. It shows persistence and dedication, two qualities that I definitely look for in a guy. If a woman gives in after the first attempt made by a man the excitement and warm fuzzy feeling you get when you first start dating someone get lost. Plus, how do we know that a guy is not just showing interest because he wants to get into our pants? If you make him wait, and he sticks around, you know he wants you for you and not just for your anatomy.

4. Why do women always fall for the "bad boy" when there are plenty of nice guys out there?

Bad boys are exciting. They are confident smooth operators. They know what they want, what they are doing, and execute efficiently. Don't get me wrong -- I would much rather have the nice guy. But there are a lot of nice people out there who are really dull and act like they got the life sucked out of them. Give me a nice guy with some of the characteristics that bad boys possess (ie. confidence). Do they exist?

5. What's more attractive on a guy -- chest hair or no chest hair?

NO chest hair! If you have a carpet -- wax it.

6. Why are women (most women, not all) so obsessed with getting the ring? I usually liken these women to Gollum in LOTR.

I don't know anyone (or I should say have friends) who is (are) obsessed with getting hitched. In fact, very few of my friends are married anyways. But for those ring-seekers out there, they are probably just looking for security and assurance. Maybe they feel unstable in their life? Getting engaged/married means that their dating escapades are over and they are probably tired of the scene. Or they could just not ever want to work again and decide that their calling in life is to turn into a baby-making machine.

7. Why do women say the opposite of what they want, and why do us men have to guess what that is?

For the same reason that guys never tell us what they want. It is a perpetual guessing game (yes, another game). I definitely know what it is that I need and want. Now, whether that turns into me telling you depends on how close we are. If you are not meeting my wants/needs and we have only hung out a few times, I probably would not say anything and just fizzle you out. I am not about to try and change someone, and if there are things I don't like that early on, I am really not going to make the effort to make things work between us. However, if we are in a later stage of the game, I am an open book and you will definitely hear it from me.

8. What is the best way to break it off with you?

Tell me -- straight up. No need to bullshit each other or lead into more games. If you let me know what your intentions are and your reasons for doing it, it may sting a little, but I will get over it much faster than if nothing is said and I am left hanging. The worst is if something ends and I am left wondering if it is indeed over and what is going on. If it is stated and out in the open, we can both get on with the rest of our lives much quicker.

9. What is the best way to tell you we want something more without making it seem like we're going to "cramp your shit"?

Just say it. Refer to question #7.

10. When it comes to the TEXT vs. CALL debate... Where do you stand? Pros and Cons? Preferences?

Both. But, if you are reaching out to me for the first time since obtaining my phone number and you text me, I will NOT be impressed. It's a cop-out. Also, if you have something important to say, I want to hear it, not read it. Texts are cute when just sending a random little note or for the basics (ie. logistics of meeting up, something in your day reminded you of me, etc.).

6 Guys, 10 Questions, 60 Glimpses into the Male Mind

Let's face it, we like to think women are the more complicated sex, but really men are the enigmas. Exhibit A is this very blog, partly dedicated to dissecting the male psyche. Clearly, we need some guidance here, so instead of exhaustively trying to figure it out all on our own, we went straight to the source. We let our guard down, and asked six guys 10 questions we felt we desperately needed answers to. The results varied, but one thing remains certain: All men watch porn. But if you've ever dated a man, you pretty much knew that anyway.



1. Why do you ask for my number, but never call me?

I think I'm different than most men. I'm very sensitive and sometimes afraid of being rejected. I know, how "Sex and the City" am I? One of the major problems is sometimes waiting to call because of the 3-day rule. But then I feel like I waited too long to call her back -- she won't remember hanging out with me. It's amazing the kind of effects alcohol can have on people, especially when it comes to short term memory.

Also, there are cheeseball men who get numbers from women just to see if they can get it. I think it's messed up and wrong. When you initiate a conversation and continue it, it's a mutual sign of interest between both parties. People can get hurt. Men sometimes play with women's emotions and don't realize it. This is why we get a bad name. Man, isn't love great!

2. How come all the crazy bitches have boyfriends?

That is a very good question. I believe these women aren't crazy at first. However, they become possessive and jealous. This is something that gradually increases as the relationship grows. Sometimes men like the challenge, too, I guess. I say, let the crazy bitches have boyfriends, that means they'll leave all the sane girls for me.

3. How can you tell the difference between a guy who's genuinely interested in you and a dude who just wants to sleep with you?

It seems like, these days, it's hard for women to tell if a man is genuinely into her... Here's my take: 

Guy #1 - One of the most important signs that he's definitely into you for you is his eyes are focusing on you at all times during your conversation, and he's actually paying attention rather than answering yes or no. Another sign that he's interested is that he's talking about his life, family, general interests, and hobbies. In my opinion, this shows that he's trying to give you a taste of who he is and what he's about.

Guy #2 - A guy that wants to sleep with you will keep wanting to buy you drinks. He'll also bring up what you're doing after hanging out -- "Come back to my place, we'll WATCH A MOVIE," he'll say. We know what's gonna happen. This man also tends to lose concentration and have his eyes on other girls. They're a tricky bunch. This guy might even pull the "bullshit card" and pretend he's Guy #1. Since I'm not a woman it's hard for me to tell because I've been both at one point or another -- come on now, we all have. Overall, I'm Guy #1.

4. Do I really have to reach for the check when I KNOW you're paying?

You don't have to reach for the check. However, if you do, it only shows that women are independent and don't need a man to take care of them. It's a nice gesture, but I would never let a date of mine pay her way.I just think it's the right thing to do. When I'm on a date, especially if I'm really into that person, I want to treat her like a queen and make her feel like I wouldn't want to hang out with anyone else. That's how it should be. As the relationship progresses, however, if you want to help out, that would be awesome. This shows you also want to take care of your man and make him feel like a king.

5. You're on a first date... What indicates to you that you should go for the kiss?

Hmm, by far one of the most awkward moments on a date is at the end when you walk them to the door. I usually tell her how much fun I had and mention I'd love to hang out again when she's free. I usually go for a nice hug, but if I feel her getting even closer to me when I'm doing that, I just go for it. This is hard question though because the answer depends on the person, environment, and chemistry.

6. What's the best way to let you know I'm just not that into you?

The worst thing to do is not call someone back which happened to me recently. We had such a good time on the 2 dates we had. We even made out after. I called her back a couple of days later, and she just never called back. The typical and safe answer for you to use is "I'm not looking for a relationship right now... I just got out of a (blah) long-term commitment and I'm just having fun."

7. Describe the ideal relationship.

Still trying to find it. My ideal relationship would be with someone who is really outgoing and someone that my friends and family would like spending time with. That girl also has to be intelligent, creative, like the arts and supports my soon-to-be acting career, understanding, open, and beautiful inside and out. I also want a girl who likes to try new things and takes chances in life. I feel like I'll never find this person.

8. Why do you change (stop trying) the minute you know I love you?

Men do this because we get in a comfort zone. The entire time we're trying to date you, we try impress, wine and dine, etc. After a while, we can just be ourselves and not have to go out as much. I know this sounds bad but it's like comparing it to a job interview. You really want to make a good first impression, but once you've won them over (got the job/become the boyfriend), you become very safe and don't have to try as hard. This sounds so bad right now. We don't completely change, we just feel, "At this point you've been with me so long that you'll love me as me."

9. What's your opinion on "little white lies"?

Not a fan of any kind of lies especially when dealing with relationships. It's going to create more problems in the future and will make you second guess why you're in a committed relationship with this person. Without open communication, you'll both grow apart from each other and the relationship will deteriorate. Sometimes a little white lie can be good depending on the circumstance. However, I try to stay away from them as much as possible. You only get one chance, don't mess it up.

10. Do all of you (as in men) watch porn?

Any man who says he never watches porn is a liar. Lawyers, doctors, police officers, even teachers do. Scary when you think about it, but sometimes people have needs to suffice. If all he does is watch porn -- that's scary. Go meet somebody real!



1. Why do you ask for my number, but never call me?

The same reason girls give their number to dudes and then don't return calls -- they don't like you.

2. How come all the crazy bitches have boyfriends?

Because insanity is hot ... dangerous ... exciting ... unpredictable ... and most importantly, hot.

3. How can you tell the difference between a guy who's genuinely interested in you and a dude who just wants to sleep with you?

If he's good, you can't. Ha! Kidding! No clue. I think you just need to go with your gut on that one.

4. Do I really have to reach for the check when I KNOW you're paying?

Yes, it's just polite. You're getting your friggin' free food, the least you could do is pretend like you might help.

5. You're on a first date... What indicates to you that you should go for the kiss?

I don't really care what you indicate or don't -- I'm going for it!

6. What's the best way to let you know I'm just not that into you?

Throw beer in my face.

7. Describe the ideal relationship.

I don't know. I've never seen one.

8. Why do you change (stop trying) the minute you know I love you?

The same reason you don't feel like reaching for the check.

9. What's your opinion on "little white lies"?

They're just as bad as the big black ones.

10. Do all of you (as in men) watch porn?

Yes.



1. Why do you ask for my number, but never call me?

Typically, I'll put in a phone call if I really do want to call her. If I don't want to, my new "thing" now is not asking for it and telling the girl, "Hey, I would ask you for it, but you know I probably wouldn't call you anyway." Get right to the point. Ummm ... What's weird is that if my friends get a number, they usually do call the girl. Rarely do we not call her. I mean we asked for her number for a reason.

2. How come all the crazy bitches have boyfriends?

Hmmm ... Wow that's a good one. For some reason, all the nut jobs have guys pining over them while the perfectly good girls are pushed to the side. I, myself, am guilty of this. Well, I guess crazy girls have something about them that is interesting and exciting which makes them a little intriguing. I think a lot of times, the crazy girls are the attractive ones, too. Guys want attractive girls, they'll just get a nut job in the process. Not to say that there aren't attractive normal girls, but I guess they've already been locked up for a good long time now and have been off the market. The hot crazy girls are left.

3. How can you tell the difference between a guy who's genuinely interested in you and a dude who just wants to sleep with you?

Well that is tough because sometimes you can sleep with someone off the bat and they become your girlfriend or you just lay some cable and that's that. But I think if there is a real connection between two people it's more than a hook-up. You actually enjoy their company, so if all you guys do is hook up and that's pretty much the extent of the relationship, well he probably just wants to sleep with you.

4. Do I really have to reach for the check when I KNOW you're paying?

Haha ... Nope. I typically always pay and if I take a girl out. I asked her to dinner so I figure I should pay. Sometimes you can throw in the "I'll pay for dinner and you can pick up the tip" thing if she is adamant about paying for something.

5. You're on a first date... What indicates to you that you should go for the kiss?

It's all about how you look at each other. That or you are both obliterated and you really can't look at each other, but the alcohol is your vision.

6. What's the best way to let you know I'm just not that into you?

Don't answer my calls or e-mails (if you've already hung out before). I've gotten the "ignore" tactic at a bar -- the "Hey, I'll talk to you for a sec' but then immediately turn to my friends and then ignore you." You can also have another guy there who can come over to you when you give the signal that you are drowning.

7. Describe the ideal relationship.

Great sex and even better conversation the morning after. You feel comfortable with yourself around the person and you don't feel obligated to act in a certain way. Your friends like the person, and she adds something to your little circle. Obviously, faithful. Having a girl who makes a whole lot of money doesn't hurt either.

8. Why do you change (stop trying) the minute you know I love you?

I've never done that, but I've never dated someone for an extended period of time. I guess if you are with someone forever some things get lost along the way. No one can run a marathon forever at a sprint.

9. What's your opinion on "little white lies"?

Well, I guess they are OK if they are little. No one is perfect all the time, but we like to think of them as such.

10. Do all of you (as in men) watch porn?

Yes on a consistent basis.



1. Why do you ask for my number, but never call me?

Because I probably asked for the number to be polite and now choose to avoid hurting your feelings. At the end of the night when it's all awkward -- everyone's s saying their "goodbyes" and "It was nice meeting you." It's only considerate to ask for the number of the person you just spent the last 4 hours with. Then, as you mull it over at home over the next couple of days, you realize that this isn't the kinda of person you want to pursue, but at least with the number you have the option of making that choice. Who can decide in one night?

2. How come all the crazy bitches have boyfriends?

Simple. They're usually hot and more fun than plain Jane. And their bedroom performance is exponentially better than the latter.

3. How can you tell the difference between a guy who's genuinely interested in you and a dude who just wants to sleep with you?

There is no difference -- just a better approach to getting the same thing in the end.

4. Do I really have to reach for the check when I KNOW you're paying?

Yes. It's cute and less presumptious.

5. You're on a first date... What indicates to you that you should go for the kiss?

When you can tell the other person doesn't want the night to end, and it gets all quiet because you both know you want to. It also helps if you had a good night together, and you're not so dense as to fail to pick up on clues that she's not interested.

6. What's the best way to let you know I'm just not that into you?

Just avoid me.

7. Describe the ideal relationship.

It's all about me (or at least let me believe that).

8. Why do you change (stop trying) the minute you know I love you?

Because paying for dinner every night can get expensive. Just kidding! It's that level of comfort that everyone strives for in a relationship. It's not that you stop trying, it's just so easy to stay in and watch a movie. Sometimes you both have to try; teamwork is required. Maybe YOU stopped trying, so stop pointing the finger!

9. What's your opinion on "little white lies"?

Anything that would cause a needless argument (i.e. if you talked to any girls at the bar, how many other girls are going to be there, etc.) is OK. Normally, white lies wipe away jealous suspiscion.

10. Do all of you (as in men) watch porn?

I think so. I can honestly say I've never purchased porn, but I've checked it out on the Internet. Men, by nature, are voyeurs. We like to observe, -- we'll watch anything. If that involves watching a smoking hot girl getting pounded, then all the better.



1. Why do you ask for my number, but never call me?

Either out of politeness in maintaining proper decorum when two people part, as if to say that it has been a pleasure and I would like meet with you again sometime, or because certain moral or professional obligations prevented me from pursuing anything outside of what I am already involved in.

2. How come all the crazy bitches have boyfriends?

The ones that do just seem to cycle through many boyfriends, or certain personality disorders have kept them attached to someone who helps to enable their character flaws. But, in my opinion, most girls with boyfriends are not crazy bitches.

3. How can you tell the difference between a guy who's genuinely interested in you and a dude who just wants to sleep with you?

The urgency by which his questions are framed and the content of the questions he asks. Those about you’re history and deeper questions about yourself in conjunction with the sincerity and breadth of his responses can be a good basis by which to judge. But no girl should give it up too quickly to be sure.

4. Do I really have to reach for the check when I KNOW you're paying?

Absolutely not, but every once in a while if you insisted on paying it would be a sign of good faith.

5. You're on a first date... What indicates to you that you should go for the kiss?

When your eyes are locked and you’re close enough so that a grand, dramatic approach doesn’t overkill the whole situation. All this only after a clear connection has been achieved either indicated by a lot of laughter or a sensation that time has gone by very quickly while enthralled in conversation.

6. What's the best way to let you know I'm just not that into you?

Showing no enthusiasm when talking or by answering only the minimum amount when asked a question or talking a minimum amount in a conversation.  Or by simply saying I’m not looking for a relationship right now.

7. Describe the ideal relationship.

One with good conversation, enough intimacy, physical and mental, and physical attraction.  Some friction is healthy and keeps things interesting and fresh. People too similar or too dissimilar will have trouble achieving a healthy balance together.

8. Why do you change (stop trying) the minute you know I love you?

For many guys there is the feeling that the goal has been reached and that things plateau there. This is where many people are taken for granted. Some see the importance of further enriching the relationship, but many slip into comfort and over-depend on the other, often leading to disinterest and an end to the relationship. 

9. What's your opinion on "little white lies"?

They should be kept minimal at most, because if you’re lying, it’s probably because you’ve done something you shouldn’t have. I see little harm in the rare occasion of them. 

10. Do all of you (as in men) watch porn?

All of us have seen it, yes, but the viewing frequency varies across the spectrum. I would say most men see it once a week or month at least.



1. Why do you ask for my number, but never call me?

We want to feel like spending our time talking to you got us something. Or, we feel like it would be stupid to call because we were drunk. Or, we're just lazy.

2. How come all the crazy bitches have boyfriends?

Hot chicks are generally fucking insane. You know how you girls like the exciting badass criminal guys? Well guys like crazy bitches.

3. How can you tell the difference between a guy who's genuinely interested in you and a dude who just wants to sleep with you?

The good guy calls you just to talk.

4. Do I really have to reach for the check when I KNOW you're paying?

Only reach for the check if you have no intention of hooking up.

5. You're on a first date... What indicates to you that you should go for the kiss?

If the guy doesn't have the balls to kiss you, then it's off.

6. What's the best way to let you know I'm just not that into you?

Just say so. Guys often don't get subtle cues.

7. Describe the ideal relationship.

Are you kidding? But, if I must -- good physical and intellectual attraction, a lot of laughter, and trust. Also, no petty bullshit.

8. Why do you change (stop trying) the minute you know I love you?

It's natural to get complacent.

9. What's your opinion on "little white lies"?

They're ubiquitous.

10. Do all of you (as in men) watch porn?

Hmmm ... Yes.

Is it OK to feel good when an ex looks bad?

That's me on the phone with a friend. Notice the big smile on my face? Here's why...

Imagine you're innocently having coffee with a friend when you happen to glance across the street and spy your ex. And not just any ex: an ex who removed your heart with a chainsaw and without any anesthesia.

So there you are, staring out this window, pointing, mouth agape, and forgetting you’re not behind a one-way mirror. Suddenly you start laughing, because, well – your ex looks bad. And bad in this case translates to fat and bald. (Although I should mention it seems being fat and bald is by choice, not circumstance.)

This was my situation last weekend, and let me tell you it was a moment a long time coming. Previous run-ins tended to go as such: He, with girlfriend, looking cute, and being the life of the party as usual. Me, alone, frozen in a corner; trying to nonchalantly size up the new girlfriend to see what she has that I don’t. So imagine my relief when I realized I could cross at least one of those things off the list.

But then I felt bad. I felt bad for laughing, and more importantly, I felt bad for feeling good about his unfortunate appearance. Because really, who was I? For all I knew he caught a glimpse of his annoying ex-girlfriend with a horribly outdated haircut, oatmeal cookie crumbs all over her shirt, and a staring problem.

But then I once again became conflicted. Because really, can’t I revel in his unfortunate appearance just once, especially considering the terrible way things ended and how awful he made me feel?

It’s like I’ve got the angel of compassion on one shoulder and the devil of revenge on the other – I’ll let you guess which one is winning, considering I just blogged about this to, oh, about 25 people who know which ex-boyfriend I’m talking about.

JM

Photo credit: Ysolt Usigan

How to be single

Lessons from ELLE magazine:

"Make peace with your cat-lady scenario. Instead of the tear-jerking, house-dress-and-cats tradgedy, I played it more for laughs and applause. Maybe I'll move to Paris. Maybe my novel will become a best-seller. Maybe I'll go work for the World Food Programme and help end hunger ... Of course, I also knew that chances were slim that any of these possibilities would come to pass."

Yes, because fantasizing about an unlikely and made up lifestyle is so much more fulfilling and mentally healthy than coming to grips with reality.

"Be scientific. For every wedding, just think about how many people fall in love (and think about how many people fall in love at other people's weddings). Maybe this year isn't your year, but trust me, if a walk down the aisle is what you want, your number is coming up."

Oh, sweet mathematical cupid, there is hope! So if I multiply this year by my number of ex-boyfriends, divide that by how long I've been single, and take the square root of my age, I'll have the exact fractional date of when I'll meet my future husband. Anybody have a calculator?

"The importance of being earnest. If you find yourself continually sabotaging relationships, consider that perhaps you've got some commitemnt issues. Get therapy if you feel they're standing in your way."

Of course. Therapy is always the answer. Because there is definitely something wrong with you if you're not in a relationship.

"Say yes. If you really want to meet someone, say yes to every offer of a setup. At the same time, know when to say no: no married men, men with girlfriends, men with boyfriends, violent men, men with unresolved substance abuse problems."

Good to know. I don't think I could have figured that one out on my own.

"Karma is a boomerang. Give things with love. Why should you expend so much energy trying to feel happy about something that fills you with panic that everyone is leaving you behind? When my friends Katie and Joe got married, I was genuinely thrilled for both of them. I never had to fake it for even a second. Nearly a year later, they set me up on a blind date with one of Joe's coworkers. I married him."

See, lowly spinster? Take heart, because even the author shed her cat-lady fate and got married! And really that's all this article is about, yes? Feigning happiness until you manage to snag that man?

Clearly, it's all that matters in in life.

JM

Relations in a Nutshell

So here we are -- 20-somethings (some of us, 30) -- still single, still social, and still breathing. Those who have surrendered to the temptation of attachment fear the lifestyle that we lead -- bar-hopping weekends (sometimes weeknights), TV dinners, shopping trips that begin to take lives of their own (this occurs when we're bummed or recall our despise for the opposite sex), and dinners with buds where you discuss the trials, failures, and the (occasional) successes of dating.

My friends and I have done just that, but we've one-upped our dating cohorts with a handful of really interesting revelations. The highlights are as follows:

TECHNICAL VS. ABSTRACT

Upon discovering relations complications with our "interests" (Let's just call "them" that, shall we?), Grace and I have come to the conclusion that there are two types of men...

There are those who are technical -- typically mathematicians, scientists, engineers -- who are very matter-of-fact, straight and to-the-point, and rational. These no-games type of guys would be ideal boyfriends, except in the event of an argument, you may find yourself eating your own words and arguing with a pro. Not only will they voice their opinion, but they'll have supporting points to back it up.

Now abstract guys -- they're quite the opposite. These men -- typically artists, musicians, writers -- are spontaneous, exciting, unpredictable, and always keep you guessing. But one snag, they'll keep you guessing alright -- as in, "Why are you shady?," "Why was your phone off?," "Why would you get me THAT for Christmas?" The abstract male is usually unreliable, which then leads to you feeling uneasy, which then leads to countless fights that all equate lack of trust.

So riddle me this... If you had to choose one, which would you prefer?

"TYPES" OR "TYPOS"

A friend recently told me she wanted to set me up on a blind date. And I'm thinking, "Here we go again. No more, please!" Even though I'm currently on a "guy hiatus," I took her up on the offer and asked for more info on the mystery man. As it turns out, he's just my type -- business savvy, educated, cultured. Oh and did I mention, muscular, cocky, and slightly arrogant. Go figure, from what I can tell, my match-maker friend hit it right on the ball.

So here's my revelation -- even though I don't seek, I encounter.

I think everyone has a "type." Of course they do, that's only natural. Only my "type" is a habit I want to break. Especially since their success rate is minimal. However, even when I stray, I come back and my "type" is still the same. It's like a forcefield or something and I gravitate towards it. My friends say you can't help who you like... But, can you?

Instead of calling them "types," I'll just deem them "typos." Let's just see how I fare on the next batch.

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE TO CREATIVITY

When it comes to my "interests," why do I always mess up or find something wrong with said species? Either his arms are too hairy, he's too clingy, he may be a murder suspect, he dropped trou way too soon (well, OK, the last couple are definitely unacceptable). The minute these trivial flaws surface, all bets are off -- stick a fork in me and call me done. Said "interests" will notice dwindling phone calls from yours truly, flakyn'ess and shady'ness (yeah yeah, I'm guilty), and my vanishing act.

When said species are great and bordering perfect, I always do something to make matters awkward and the situation difficult, i.e. messing things up forever. What can be said of this?

I've got it -- I do this for my craft. (Writing, that is.) It's like the "tortured artist" syndrome... I am more creative this way. Perhaps subconsciously, I screw up or put an end to a good thing in order to keep my life less ordinary and somewhat thriving. I presume my struggles fuel my work.

Paul says, "Yeah, it's great for my songwriting too, which is why I fuck everything up constantly."

It figures.

YU

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I hate to be the optimist here, but have you considered that the reason you "self-destruct" is because these people simply don't inspire you? (Just wait, the optimistic part is coming, I swear.)

When you find someone who inspires you and challenges you, you won't WANT to let them go, and all the fucking up you usually do will just cease to exist. I think he's out there, and in the meantime, you have all these other people to snack on.

At least that's what I tell myself, when I'm curled up with a bag of potato chips watching "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" for the 1,843 Saturday in a row.

JM

Guy hiatus in progress

In an effort to retain our sanity, fellow fabulous single Angie and I have made this pact to go on a much-needed break from boys. Why? Where do I even begin?! Though most dating experiences leave us with some fond memories, and more importantly, endless laughs; I think I've already had my fix. I just don't think I can take any more freakish moments, awkward silences, and unnecessary guilt.

Not to mention, I'm actually fine being solo for the first time. Take it from a girl who has rarely been single since she turned 15 -- I can get used to this. Retract -- I have gotten used to this. And me likey! Plus, I'm more creative when I'm alone. This can come in handy at work or in my blog ventures.

I got sidetracked for a second or two. And have since come to a conclusion on my NON-NEGOTIABLES (to be word processed, laminated, and handed to prospects) as a result of my encounters. They are as follows:

1. habitual drug users
2. cruelty to animals
3. rude to wait staff
4. cheapskates and the poor
5. Napoleon complex
6. divo
7. uninvited trou dropping
8. clingy city
9. mr. dull
10. lots of hair in weird places
11. sweat monsters
12. bad spellers
13. violent tendencies
14. age liars
15. face devourers
16. murder suspects
17. rebounders
18. cult enthusiasts
19. the never-punctuals
20. guys with a "ghey" factor

(list is still growing)

YU

The year in review

I’ve written this 2005-in-retrospect post about 17 times. Then I realized everything I learned this year can be wrapped up in one moment – and of course it involves shoes.

It was March, possibly April, and I was at the mall (duh) when this pair of strappy three-inch-heeled gold shoes caught my eye. I thought “What the hell?” and tried them on, with only about a 40 percent inclination of buying them. Now, I’ve never been one to be frugal about shoes, but gold heels just seemed a completely outlandish and unnecessary addition to my rather conservative styling.

I tried them on and – no lie – people walking by kept telling me how great/cute/hip/amazing they looked. I was sold.

But that’s not the magic of the story. The magic happened when I sat down to take the shoes off and had what I call a Destiny’s Child moment. I realized that for the first time in my life, I am a completely self-sufficient being – paying my own rent, managing my own bills, throwing my own meals in the microwave – and I’m still capable enough to buy completely useless gold heels.

I think I wore the shoes about five times this summer, but who cares? It was the best purchase I ever made. Here’s to hoping 2006 is filled with even more gold shoes.


JM

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

And my year in retrospect can also be summed up by your special moment...

When I was going through my own personal trauma, I needed a friend. (I hate to get all sappy.) You told me that very story (what I call, "JM's gold shoe epiphany"). And like magic, my inner struggle faded.

Although you bought the pair of magic strappy sandals and I never had the pleasure of wearing them (Wait, what size are you again?), I feel like they graced my wardrobe in '05.

So this is my thanks for your inspirational shoe story and changing my life.

***tear*** =P

(Then you abandoned me at CB and left me to dry. The nerve! Just kidding!)

YU

Virtual reality

I suspect sites like Friendster.com, Facebook.com, and (of course) Myspace.com are:

* opening up new avenues for super stalkers --> and some of us are just as guilty of looking up hotties from the past
* ruining the thrill of "the chase" --> going out and meeting people seems like a major task when you've got this gigantic social scene at your fingertips
* and, by the same token, putting a no-excitement spin on the dating process --> when you've got pictures, profiles, and a list of friends and acquaintances, what the hell are you going to ask so-and-so on the first date?
* turning members into virtual sluts --> just count how many shirtless pics of men you've encountered (some have even taken aerial view photos of their bottom halves -- front and back) and the cleavage/booty shots of their femme counterparts
* and has given women another way to reject men (and vice versa)

And still, we log on everyday to see:

* who has decided to super stalk you
* who you would like to chase
* who wants to take you out on a date
* if said sluts have updated their photos
* and who has rejected you (and vice versa)

YU

Oh, it's magic

Me and a few others (who shall remain nameless) have resorted to consulting the MAGIC 8 BALL regarding our dating/relationship decisions and inquiries.

It just goes to show how much I trust my own judgement.

YU

"We might be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us"

So you're in a relationship. A happy, long term relationship. Maybe the two of you are in love. You’re so comfortable together you’re both OK with date night consisting of happy hour at Houlihan's. But then there’s That Person. You know, the one who got away. Maybe it was your fault. Maybe it was theirs. Regardless, it’s guaranteed that seeing That Person messes with your head, making you question your happiness in your existing situation.

So. The pressure’s on. You feel it’s getting close to the time of deciding on The One. What do you do? Do you explore things with That Person, risking it all? Or do you take a cold shower and count your current blessings?

JM

I need some help here guys

This happens all too often and something absolutely needs to be done about it. At the very least, an explanation is in order.

First, let me say that these days, most women are emotionally secure enough to recognize a casual hookup when it happens. Sleeping together no longer = he loves you. Still, when you hook up with someone, you've then committed to owing that person a certain amount of respect after the fact, no?

So why then, do guys feel it’s OK to discuss other girls with the girl they've just hooked up with -- in some extreme cases, minutes after doing the deed?

This seems to be a new phenomenon: guy hooks up with girl, and while girl (hopefully) understands one, two, or even three consecutive hook ups does not a relationship make, this doesn't mean she's all ears when it comes to other-girl talk. It makes us feel inadequate, second choice, and worst of all, like what happened between the two of you wasn't any good. Tell me -- just what are you trying to accomplish by sharing this little gem of information? Surely such extreme measures to ensure we don't think of you as our boyfriend aren't necessary.

So go ahead and hook up with some girl an hour later for all we care. Just don’t call to tell us about it.

JM

I only contemplate the big issues

Now that I get to work via train (thank you sweet Jesus), I can't help but notice how ubiquitous the iPod is. Everyone (everyone who's anyone, that is) has one, and when I get tired of reading my current book selection which is far beyond my intellectual comprehension, I often find myself wondering exactly what my fellow commuters are listening to. Usually it's the littlest thing that sends my mind running:

* the well-dressed man with the comb over and ring on his all-important finger who keeps creepily leering at me definitely rocks some Jessica Simpson; possibly fetishizing her dear-daddy obsession?
* to the girl rockin' the beat up green pumas and trendy track jacket -- you're posturing as a Franz fan, but reading Star magazine totally gives you away as the closet Lindsay Lohan-lover you know you are. (Only the Rumors album though, her new stuff is just like, totally overproduced.)
* ah, the one-time frat boy. You're cute, and can afford several pairs of Kenneth Coles now because you work on Wall Street -- Dave Matthews Band is just too easy. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say Good Charlotte.
* then there's the man who's so into his tunes, he incessantly (and annoyingly) taps his fingers to the drum beat on the back of my seat. You pretend you're rocking out to KISS, but I bet Wham! is what really makes you stick your tongue out like that.
* and let's not forget you -- the girl who is the definition of I'm-from-NJ-but-I-pretend-to-be-from-NYC cool: your mukluks and Lauren Weisberger novel totally out you on your songs-from-Grey's-Anatomy play list.

And what, you ask, do I listen to?

Shakira's "La Tortura," while fantasizing about dirty salsa dancing with the hot Latino train conductor.

JM

Next time I...

get dressed, do my hair, put on shoes, and get my hopes up about something -- remind me to refrain.

CRINGE CUBED

I typically feel great when it comes to my single'dom. But it's moments like these that make me want to stay out of the dating pool. Just when I thought I've found one -- a nice one, in fact (with people who've vouched for his outstanding manners) -- oy vey. What manners? By the end of the night, I felt awkward and somewhat humiliated. Ew, I feel so small and ugly. And I'll be damned if another guy makes me feel like that -- even the slightest bit.

With that said, the GUY HIATUS commences.

YU

A nugget dilemma

A new friend told me she was genuinely worried about her ex's well-being, but doesn't know how to go about helping. I won't go into the hairy details, but this brings something to question...

When it comes to exes in trouble, do you stick your nose where it doesn't belong or just let people work stuff out on their own? But it's not that simple. Some factors do come into play --

* the severity of the problem
* the consequences and possible outcomes if you (or anyone else for that matter) helps
* how badly this person needs aid
* how this person treated/treats you (the possible "helper")
* what are your motives? what are his motives?

So, OK. There's a nugget dilemma for you. I think I would try to do something if the problem was ultra severe. I'd operate as if the person in trouble were a friend. True, you're no longer together -- and for pertinent reasons, I'm sure. But you still care about the person, right? If something detrimental were to happen, I know I couldn't live with myself knowing I could've done something.

But that's just me. Many still attest that some don't deserve your good nature. I think they do, though. This is going to sound so cHeeSe, but I truly believe that if everyone treated each other with kindness and respect, it would be a lot harder for people (as a whole) to do wrong and be negative.

Kill 'em with kindness, I say.

YU

Data analysis

I made a chart --(describes the hand-in-hand phenomenons I call "Absentee Attached Friends" and "Recent-Single Resurface")... ahem, let's just say I was inspired to make this line graph by one of my guy friends...



YU

Your roaring 20s

I recently came across this word, and it's funny, because I don't remember where or how I found it, but I think it perfectly sums up life in your 20s.

"Anomie: a personal state of isolation and anxiety resulting from a lack of social control and regulation."

Let me explain before you all start barking about how pessimistic I am. It seems like your 20s should be the best time of your life -- and don't get me wrong -- my 20s have given me some amazing experiences -- but it's also a time filled with so much instability. You fall in love, or out of love, friendships dissipate, and unless you're one of the lucky few making $250,000 out of college, money is a constant issue. Just look around you, everywhere things are changing -- not necessarily for better or for worse -- they're just changing.

People you were so accustomed to battling life experiences with are suddenly light years ahead of you or a few steps behind. The best friend you do everything in sync with just got engaged -- does this mean you should have found a fiancée by now, too? People around you are landing their dream jobs, as easily as if they volunteered to mop floors at McDonald's -- are you a failure because you're still working on it? People who were always there for you in the past suddenly have new priorities -- whether it be a significant other, a job, a child, a pet -- and suddenly the relationship is different, or it drifts off completely. The worst part is, you know friends don't mean for this to happen, it's just the way things are now.

No one prepares you for this. So you innocently graduate college thinking life will be an insta-success: At the toss of the cardboard cap you expect to experience the same sense of accomplishment you felt freshman year when you discovered how easy it is to "cook" for yourself with Ramen noodles. Looking back, you laugh at your optimistic whimsy, because at least as a freshman, you had orientation to tell you that draining the noodles in the bathroom sink was a bad idea.

So I thought it would be a good idea to come up with an "Orientation Guide To Your 20s," and I sent out an annoying mass e-mail to friends pleading for advice. What's funny is that most people who responded posed more questions than answers. I'm not even going to wax philosophical on why -- I'll just chalk it up to the 20s being a completely anomic time of life; a time so unsettlingly exciting, not unlike freshman year of college.

So, should you feel the need, read on for what some smarty-pants friends had to say about surviving your 20s. Take it or leave it, but at the very least, you're bound to discover a cure for the world's worst hangover.

On establishing job security...
"Remember to check the paper in the printer and other technology stuff you'd probably need to know."
- Gilbert, Ysolt's cousin

On money...
"Take advantage of the fact that your first job's income is almost entirely discretionary -- and have more discretion with it. Two of my newly married friends are stuck living with their parents -- after marriage -- because they didn't save money."
- Kristin, who I went on a shopping spree with in Cambridge Market

On drama...
"I realize now that half of it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. Think about the next 5 years and whether an argument or issue will really matter."
- Anatoli, gymnastics instructor

On that note, on love gone bad...
"Breaking up... is for good. No such thing as staying friends because one of you is inevitably pining for the other... Just waiting for a vulnerable moment to swoop in and save the day. I stayed friends with my ex-boyfriend for about a year after we broke up and the moron decided it would be a good idea to tell me how much he loved me in earshot of my then-new boyfriend, now husband. Not a comfortable situation to be in."
- Dawn, still happily married and with child

On remembering you're still young even though you feel old...
"Do things now. Don't wait to travel, go out with friends and party. Those days will be over sooner than you think so enjoy them now."
- John, marketing assistant extraordinaire

On hangovers...
"Pedialite cures a standard hangover in one hour, and turns a serious hangover into a standard hangover. Next best thing to an IV drip from your local hospital and you don't need insurance!"
- Anthony, financing consultant and apparent heavy drinker

On casual sex...
"College is the time to live, you know -- sleep around; hang out; whatever. But you get to a point (trust me, I'm there now) where you just decide that that's not fun anymore, and -- to be blunt -- a hole is a hole is a hole, you know? Anyway, you're looking for much more that just a good time. It doesn't fill any void, and especially with all the diseases and pregnancies and stuff, it's tough, but you've got to start thinking with the head on top, not on the bottom.
- Jeremy, molder of young Venezuelan children's minds

On feeling pressure to fill-in-the-blank...
"Go at your own pace -- don't worry about everyone else. They'll get careers, boyfriends/girlfriends (or both); move in together; get married; have children, etc. But it's your life, so go at it as you feel comfortable. After all, you have your entire life to figure it out. You're not 30 yet! But what do I know? I'm only 25, -- just half way through.
- Mariel, who still can't believe she's a real lawyer now

JM

Fluffing 101

It's tough coming out of a long term relationship and back into singledom. You're used to spending most weekend nights at home, with a pizza, a bottle of wine, and a movie, not at a bar, exchanging numbers, and hoping for a call that never comes, even though you've already decided you're not ready to date yet.

This is where a fluffer comes in. "A fluffer?" you ask. "Jenn, does a priss like yourself realize what you're saying?" Of course I do. Allow me to elaborate.

As some of you may know, a fluffer is a person within the pornography industry used to "prepare" stars before the big show in front of the cameras. This person is there, probably literally on their hands and knees, doing the dirtiest of deeds, so that when the time comes (no pun intended), the star is ready to go.

A fluffer as I refer to it is not all that different. This is the person who helps you make the transition to dating from long-term relationship mode. This person can be a one-date deal or a long-term friend. (Should you choose a friend, make sure he/she is aware of his/her position prior to the fluffing, so there are no mixed signals.) A fluffer is never an ex of any kind.

Feel free to use this person any way you wish: a few free dinners, the occasional make out session, or you know, bigger, hopefully better, and more complex things. Just beware: Sealing the deal often invokes emotions from at least one party involved in the fluffing activities. You especially are at risk since you’re coming out of long-term relationship mode. Just remember, this person is your fluffer, NOT your life partner.

And really that’s the beauty of the fluffer. You say when to speed up and when to slow down. You retain control over this non-relationship, so when you’re ready, you move on and start going on auditions.

JM

If it walks like a duck

Ask any girl, and she’ll openly admit that women have a tendency to over-analyze. That’s right boys, it’s not just a “Sex and the City” stereotype, we actually do sit with our girlfriends at Sunday brunch deconstructing every word of your last phone call, text message, or “Dear Jane” e-mail. It’s our way of getting to the facts about how you do or don’t feel about us, because we all know boys never really say what they mean or, for that matter, mean what they say. Any girl who says otherwise is flat out lying.

My friends and I all considered this normal female behavior – girls will be girls, as they say. That is, until one friend – let’s call her Elle – encountered Geoff. Geoff is an attractive, nice guy; attending law school; slightly younger than Elle’s usual taste, but she was open to experimenting. Initial contact was going well until the following IM conversation took place:

PoorFool: so when is a good time to see you?
PoorFool: since you have your "outlook" planner with you handy
Elle: you're very eager to do this meet-n-greet aren't you
PoorFool: you're too nice to let go
Elle: i'm not used to guys being so nice to me
PoorFool: so what do you want, an asshole?
Elle: no, not what i want by any means
PoorFool: you scare me a little...but you seem worth the risk
Elle: i scare you?
PoorFool: i guess i get the feeling you like hardcore jackass guys
PoorFool: and I'm also scared of getting played, but I trust you
PoorFool: there is no other way to give you a chance then to initially trust you
PoorFool: so anyways, figure out your free days
Elle: maybe the 7th that Friday?
PoorFool: Oct 7?
Elle: yeah too far?
PoorFool: what about the 6?
Elle: I have a party on the 6th
PoorFool: so we’re on for fri. oct 7th?
Elle: ok, I'm marking you down
PoorFool: type me in baby
PoorFool: we'll figure out the details later
PoorFool: so if after the 7th we tend to get along really well, will you take me to your parties?
PoorFool: because how else would I see you?

The barrage of questions, need for reassurance, and obvious lack of self-esteem annoyed Elle. “He overanalyzes everything,” she complained to me, sighing for extra emphasis. Suddenly, Elle didn’t think Geoff’s antics were so funny anymore. “This must be how Mario feels when we talk,” Elle gasped, referencing her xbf whom she holds a complicated past with. Silence blanketed the other end of the line as Elle became slightly sickened at the revelation that SHE could be so needy and irritating.

And just like that, something that once seemed so ingrained in the female psyche became more of a character flaw to Elle and I. This isn't girls being girls; this is girls being the itch you can’t scratch, the zit that just won’t pop, the bane of someone’s existence. It's like learning your baby’s daddy isn’t your baby’s daddy after all, and suddenly, everything changes.

JM

Dodging bullets

Imagine me innocently arriving at work to find this on my desk:



A panic attack quickly ensued, which then morphed into feelings of stupidity because I'm not even in a relationship, which in turn made me feel slightly bad about myself for freaking out whereas someone else might find this gesture cute, if not funny.

Then I realized it was merely a promotion for cuticle cream.

JM

It's the end of the world as I know it

I'll admit it, I have a case of penis envy. In fact, I regularly chide my father for not making me the boy I know he always wished he had.

Biologically speaking, men just have an easier time of things... No visits from Aunt Flo; less chance of contracting STDs; no pooping out of babies and having to deal with the vomiting, constipation, swelling, and other fun things that come along with that "life stage."

The one redeeming quality to being a woman, I once thought, was that women can't get hernias, which sounds like an incredibly painful affliction. But alas, it turns out, I'm wrong. Women can get hernias.

Now come on. Is there anything women can't do? And I don't pose that as a rhetorical feminist question. I want to know, in all seriousness: Is there ANY biological advantage to being a woman?

JM

The Replacements

I’ve been feeling a little washed up, used, lately. Like a dish towel: there to clean up the mess then tossed in the trash. OK, that’s probably a little dramatic; I’ll revise. Like a convenience store: not the first place you’d go to for a meal, but does the job when you’re in a hurry or there’s nothing else around.

Too often I’ve been hearing, “Annoying Significant Other isn’t around – what are you up to tonight?” or when a friend gets back from vacation and I express interest in hanging out, “Yeah, but well, I really want to see The Person I’m Nauseating Happy With this weekend.”

These people are The Replacements, and I’m having a little trouble adjusting to them in my extended network, as it were. It would be fine if my relationship with Said Friend(s) was always like that – then I would expect this kind of behavior and not be so disappointed when my plea for some QT was rejected. But it’s no fun dropping down a tier on The Importance List.

Therefore, I pledge to never (again – I’ve been guilty of this before) let a relationship ensconce my entire social life. It’s all about balance, people.

JM

An open letter to screenwriters

I've never particularly been a big fan of romantic comedies. They tend to be clichéd and, well, completely idiotic most of the time. Worst of all, these movies let the optimist in me run rampant, thinking, hey, if it can happen for Reese Witherspoon, why can't it happen for me? All I have to do is persevere and make "Love conquers all" my mantra.

This is total and utter crap, and I know this. Yet I fall for it every time. I get that movies are a form of escapism, but wouldn't it be nice to see something a little more realistic every now and then? Otherwise, I'm doomed to eternally believe that knights in shining armor actually do exist.

Honestly, All it takes is a little tweaking for most romantic comedies to hold an element of realism. For example:

* "Singles": Matt Dillon's character never should have said "God bless you." Bridget Fonda should have just sneezed, waited for the courtesy she knew would never come, and then rolled her eyes and smirked, to show the audience she knows full well this man is a waste of her time.

* "Love Actually": How about a little more focus on the love that's more actual, such as screwing up that one-night stand with your cute coworker or getting traded-in by your husband for a more agile but less articulate younger woman? I've never actually heard of a prime minister falling for a "chubby" servant who talks like a sailor.

* "Can't Hardly Wait": Why did Jennifer Love Hewitt have to show up at the train station at the end? Let Preston move on with his life. Maybe he sits down next to some JLH look-a-like reading Vonnegut and eating strawberry Pop Tarts.

* "Bridget Jones' Diary": I get why Darcy comes back for Bridget, she's cute, witty, and doesn't care what people think of her. But her parents reconciling is a bit much. Especially since that's not the way it played out in the book.

At least Leo died at the end of "Titanic."

JM

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

and let's not forget...

* "My Best Friend's Wedding": If my hot, awesome best friend were to marry another woman, I wouldn't dare show up at the wedding. Though I would try break up the happy couple, if I failed at my attempt, instead of giving a heartwarming speech at the reception, I'd rub shit all over the RSVP card laced with anthrax.

* "You've Got Mail": Hoorah for Internet dating... NOT! As if everyone looking for love on the Web looks like Meg Ryan or has the charm and wit of Tom Hanks. Imagine this -- Kathleen Kelly (Ryan) meets up with Joe Fox (Hanks). They take one look at each other and realize, "Ew! He/she totally lied on their profile, must've picked the best possible photo (hiding extra pounds, scars, etc.), and is, in fact, a big bore."

* "Amelie": Yeah, OK. If I sort of, somewhat stalked some cute guy; like he'd really be into me. I mean, would you really go out with someone who drew arrows on the ground that would lead you to them, call you on a sinister public phone and hang up, then disappear??? C'mon now. That's crazy creepy.

YU

All things equal

ysolt11: this guy i met last week found me on myspace and is asking me to hang out but... here's the dilemma...

jmerritt023: you are such a stud

ysolt11: shut up i just put up a slutty pic and they all come. so here's the dilemma... as i like to call 'em my NON - NEGOTIABLES like 1. cat-kicker (can't date a cat kicker) 2. drug user (can't date a habitual user) 3. rude to waiters. well there's something new to add to my deal breakers... this guy sort of has a loser quality and that is... 28... still in school... and right now waiting tables and tells me he wants to watch movies at home cuz he's "broke." either he's a> trying to get me into bed... or b> really is broke. i don't like either scenario

jmerritt023: yeah, forget him in fact, don't even dignify that with a response

ysolt11: but i gotta say... i'm somewhat compelled because he's cute

jmerritt023: well you could just hook up with him and be done with it

ysolt11: i dunno

jmerritt023: well then, it's either ass or nothing. you don't ask a girl to hang out for the first time and say, "Wahh, I'm broke, let's watch a movie."

ysolt11: good point

jmerritt023: he's probably too broke to rent one so you're going to have to be happy with whatever's on TBS that night

ysolt11: see this is why/how i get dates... i'm not very selective i'll give everyone a shot. i'm equal opportunity

jmerritt023: you're EOD, an equal opportunity dater

I have a problem

Last night I come home to find an invitation to my friend's wedding. It's all the way into Pennsylvania, four hours away. I'm immediately faced with two issues: a) who to take? and b) reeling someone in who's willing to give up their entire weekend, and subsequently, someone who's not going to get the wrong idea when I ask them to go away for a weekend to a place with free booze and a mattress.

I'm fully aware I could attend on my own, but given that the bride is the sole person I know at this wedding, it could provide for some who's-the-awkward-girl-standing-alone-by-the-bar moments. I also realize I could just not go, but the thing is, I would actually like to go, because I'm flattered my friend would even think to invite me, given we rarely see each other and mainly communicate via e-mail. So, I'm relaying this issue to Ysolt this morning, and she suggests bringing a female friend as a date.

If it's true that wedding's are the best place to meet people, why not bring along a fellow single lady to check out the groomsmen? I wonder, however, if this is acceptable proto call? And don't tell me, "Yes, they did it on 'Sex and the City,'" because that's TV and therefore not real; or "Sure, lesbians do it, don't they?" because I'm not a lesbian (not that there's anything wrong with that), so such reasoning won't fly with me.

JM

You can learn a lot from "Laguna Beach"

Girl is cool. Boy likes girl. Girl turns not-so-cool. Boy turns into an asshole. Girl falls for boy even more. Boy gets crazy mean. Girl tries to communicate with boy. Boy breaks up with girl.

Holy geez, Jessica of "Laguna" -- that shit is bananas.

Yeah, yeah, despite the fact that I refused to like the show, I caught a marathon the other day, and I gotta say, I'm compelled. Sooo very high school -- been there and done that. Ahhh, I can recall the drama with my high school "sweetheart" already. So, girls, why do you like jerks? I'm taking a survey. *In retrospect, Eric's not a jerk now -- but he sooo was in high school. He'll rightfully admit to that.*

Is it the thrill of the chase? Is it the challenge that draws you? Or is it the very simple ideal of -- you always want what you can't have?

So anyways, you can learn a lot from a show about a bunch of bratty teens... What not to do.

YU

Celebration, bitches

Woweee Maui -- Claire is officially getting hitched tomorrow before noon hits. Instead of wearing my Toyota-Camry-beige dress I want to wear a T-shirt that reads, "Don't do it!" LOL.

Well, I've already made my plea to the bride. She's not budging. Haha. It's like what they say -- "You just know."

I'm just glad "I don't know" yet. Like I was saying yesterday -- I'll settle down with the man I CAN BE with and still BE MYSELF with. Easy enough, yes? You would think. But from past observations (example: Claire wanted to smoke a cigar the other day), the minute people couple up, either one or both lose total individuality. They become one (which might not necessarily a good thing), yada yada yada. Essentially, they become pod people. Why is that?

Hey, hey... I'm guilty... But will never make that mistake again!

Ooooh! New case study! Well, my research will begin if/when I become 1/2 of a couple, I guess. Hahaha. But the report will go as follows:

* Purpose: Determine if I can be in a relationship and still retain my own identity while not conforming/assimilating/mimicking the persona of my significant other.
* Hypothesis: This question remains to be unanswered.
* Data: (Will compare my hobbies NOW to hobbies THEN.)
* Results: (Will keep you posted.)

YU

The venting continues

I am so ... Once my clock struck 25, I began taking care of my parents instead of the other way around. And I thought my quarter-life crisis would just be about me. Evidently, my 20s weren't at all what I expected.

So here it goes... 25 going on 26 -- but feels more like 25 going on 40. I am trying my best to be an optimist -- but with all the hits I've been taking lately, who could possibly imagine the bright side?

I'm not complaining or anything. I know there are other people out there in similar predicaments or even worse. I just don't know why I'm being put in the position that I'm in? Rather, I just wish I wasn't put in the position that I'm in. I just hope there's such a thing as karma. On that thought, I will run out and buy a lottery ticket right now.

It's like how that Damien Rice song goes, "There's no hero in her skies." I so badly want to reach out to someone for some salvation.

On second thought, scratch those lyrics -- I'll just attempt be the hero in my skies. Wish me luck.

YU

Wishing Well, my ass

The only thing worse than a 'bridezilla' is a 'bridesmaidzilla' -- what a pain in my ass! Hey, I'm not bitter that one of my bestfriends is getting hitched (although I think she's making a HUGE mistake by letting someone suck the life out of her at the age of 25), but I am annoyed at these constant 'bridal shower' e-mails from a certain someone. And what the fuck is a 'wishing well' anyway? And, why do we need to give one to the bride?

To top it all off, I'm even more irked at what's going to go in this damn 'wishing well' thing -- a mop, a broom, Pledge, etc. Are you freaking kidding me? What is it, the 1950s and we have to give the 'little wifey' cleaning products to keep her man's home orderly? What's next, a baby carriage?

As an independent and assertive female of the millenium, I just have to flat-out refuse to contribute to this obviously offensive gesture. Although many women out there find this 'wishing well' hoo-haa to be quite cute, I think it's bullshit. I'd rather give my friend some cute tops, wine, or a subscription to JANE.

I've said it, and I'll say it again... Wishing Well -- my ass!

YU